


Family Pride

by AnaChromystic



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Corporate Espionage, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Drama, Plot, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-11 15:18:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8995288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnaChromystic/pseuds/AnaChromystic
Summary: Ten years after circumstances forced them apart, Solas has shown back up again in Ellie Lavellan's life.They gave each other up to give him a second chance at living for himself, free from his family's influence.  It wasn't easy.  Old scars and heavy baggage, things never really dealt with have stubbornly stuck around.  He's finally come back home again, hoping to find a place again in the lives of the people he left behind.  Including her.Unfortunately, an empire is starting to crumble, and there's still an empty place on the chess board with his name on it.  Did he ever really get free?Or is the war not over yet?    This is the sequel to Schooling Pride.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Please read the epilogue of Schooling Pride before this, if you haven't yet <3 Spoilers!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7942579/chapters/20544226)

**Foreword**

 

There is a profound perfection in forgotten places.

In roads, stretching out towards the horizon, baked by sun and cracked by time, passed over as new routes more efficient are constructed. Abandoned monuments with purpose forgotten by all, left behind as the culture of travel and exploration died. Roadside shops and restaurants, vacant structures like the crumbling shell of a long-dead creature.

Man's emptiness is a thing of echoes, memories of life clinging to walls that have none of their own. Intials etched into a wooden railing, the names on a brass plaque, tarnished but still proudly declaring accomplishments long forgotten. Abandoned signs that point the way to things that no longer exist, directions to the ghosts of history neither great nor glorious enough to be written about or remembered.

It is the emptiness of a path worn by feet long dead, a path no longer trod except by those who wander far out of the expectations of modern society. It is lonely. It is sad. And in that melancholy, so much beauty that one is staggered by the scope of it all, by how much truly has been forgotten- to see the sun-faded echoes of a thousand summers, the skeletons of autumn leaves piled around rusting metal, crumbling concrete. The passage of time in those places is writ as clear as the rings of a tree, or the striations of centuries etched in a cliffside. It is the cracks in a vandalized sidewalk, parting at last two names meant to be there together, forever. A heart broken, the faded graffiti of mankind's need to declare that they existed, crying out that someone recognize that they were found to be of worth, that they had accomplished, lived. We are all desperate to be remembered in some tangible fashion, telling our stories to a world crowded with them, speaking to ears deafened by the cacophony of life.

In these quiet, lonely places, only fragments remain to speak, and be heard.

Whatever may come now, whatever I will become in what lies ahead for me, I will make this book a testament to the truth I discovered in solitude.

The only true legacy and connection that will survive the inevitable march of time is the echo of ourselves we leave in another. In the forgotten places, it was the remnants of life that called to me, spoke to me of hands and hearts long dead. They were the edges of a thousand stories, and I took them in to myself, made them a part of my own. Now they will, I hope, be yours as well. Otherwise, what is their worth? The indelible marks we leave on each other's lives are the only thing that survives us, passed from generation to generation. Love, wisdom, beauty, awe, sorrow, cruelty, compassion...a thousand emotions that shape the world around us, bend it to our stories.

In the end, everything else is forgotten.

 

 

 

**Eight Years Ago**

 

"You know, when I ask someone where they've been, the expected answer is something like 'around', not a twenty minute ramble on the museums you found along the Rivaini coast."

The sharpness in Velanna's voice drew Solas' attention away from the stone rubble at the base of the ancient wall. Absently, he let the grit slide between his fingers, finally finding a small pebble that he fingered as he rose to his feet. Glancing over, he met her sardonic look, and lifted his shoulders.

"You did ask. Textiles are more interesting than I realized." He said, and she heaved an irritable sigh. "Do you have a phone? I am curious what sort of stone this is."

"Of course I have a phone, everyone has a phone, but we are halfway up the side of a mountain. No service." She pointed out wryly, stepping past him through a gap in the wall. "Let us see if we can find the doorway. Where are you going when you leave tomorrow?"

"It looks out of place for the terrain. Perhaps brought here to build from elsewhere. That was why I wanted to know." The pebble lodged safely in his pocket, he followed her in. "Deeper into Ferelden, through the Bannorn, I believe. I want to avoid Denerim."

"When was the last time you actually hit civilization?" She asked over her shoulder, and then scoffed faintly at his relaxed shrug. "As far as penances go, this one is proving to be a bit excessive, Solas."

"I wouldn't call it a penance, Velanna. Just living. I will probably need to find another job when I get down there, however. I was thinking, considering the time of year, I could try my hand at farm work. They always need people this time of year, don't they?" He mused, considering the idea over in his head. "At least until winter begins. Did you know that they provide passage on cargo ships? I was considering going to Tevinter. Apparently it is a fairly economical way to travel, though you have to take into account that you will be traveling for at least a month."

"A month at sea? That sounds dull." Velanna said flatly, and then smiled wryly when he laughed. "Not much to see on the ocean, just more water."

Her voice trailed off as she ducked under a tree branch and disappeared further into the shattered building. There was a moment of silence as he tried to catch up, before he heard her give a faint 'aha'.

"Found it." She declared, and he heard the crunch of loose stone. "And look, there was a path on the other side. Of course there was."

"I hope Merrill's survey of Sundermount is going well." He mused, following her out of the broken doorway back into the light. From this vantage, he could see a few other pieces of ruined structure, broken walls of the same mismatched stone. "I believe letting in some archaeological teams to examine these ruins might be an excellent step to keeping things preserved."

"It has to work. It will." Velanna declared firmly, turning to rest her map against the top of a cracked stone, pulling the pen out of her bun to make more notations. "I don't care how old the land agreements are, if we can get protected status for some of these stretches of land on historical value alone...it won't matter, the land can't be flattened for highways and strip malls."

"You and Lanaya have made remarkable progress." He agreed, ensuring his hip was resting against the rocky outcropping, and not something more man made. "I expect some people are feeling a bit of whiplash?"

"There's always people who resist change, Solas. Always. Anywhere you go." Velanna replied with a long-suffering sigh, shaking her head. "Ralaferin is on board, but some of the other clans...not so much."

"They will get there." He assured, and then added with a significant look aside, "Once information about that Tevinter ruin comes out, you'll have the whole country knocking down your door."

"Tevinter does love their 'great and glorious' history, don't they?" Velanna asked with a hint of disgust, relaxing into a wry smile when he chuckled. "They'll fall in line, you are correct. Hiding their heads in the sand won't secure our future."

He made a small sound of agreement and they both fell silent, watching the sun fading towards the horizon slowly. Earlier than it had been, which reminded him all too well that another year was beginning to wane.

"Back to school before too long?" He asked quietly, resting against the shattered wall and staring off across the slope of the low mountain as the light began to fade to shades of orange.

"Less than a month." Velanna agreed, offering over a water bottle, and then turning her attention back to the sunset as well. "Two new Dalish students this year, one just starting, and one transferring from Jader to continue medical school."

"It all feels so distant now." He murmured, not for the first time thinking over that violent fracture that made a vast gulf between the then and now, with far too many experiences forced into the last two years. "I believe I need to slow down. I have been...trying so hard to hunt for something to fulfill me that I fear I have let a great many things pass me by."

"You'll look back on it and you won't remember that. But maybe...trying to see the entire world in as little time as possible might be too much to ask, Solas." Velanna said, taking the water back from him. "There has to be a balance, I'd think."

"Perhaps instead of trying to see everything, I should try to see all of what I can." He finally decided, pushing away from the wall. "You are right. It doesn't have to be a race, it can be a wander."

"...A wander." Velanna repeated, shaking her head at his curious look. "That's an Ellana-ism. What do you bet this path takes us back down quicker than the one we took?"

The small twist in his chest was all the worst for being unexpected. They had all been so careful to keep that distance between them, but at times he wondered if that simply meant they were being kept from healing. She had told him not to contact her, and he had to respect that, in the end. Hunting for information from her friends would be just as bad.

"I'm sorry." Velanna offered, and turned back away, continuing down the steep slope with a rattle of gravel. "I have been told sometimes I don't think."

"Hardly your fault. Circumstances made it rather difficult to get over." He said at last, rather than avoiding the topic. It wasn't as if Velanna would be secretly judging him. If anything, she'd do so openly. "It gets easier, not day by day, but when I look over my shoulder every now and again, it's a bit further away."

"That's what happens when you keep walking forward." She mused quietly, and then glanced over her shoulder. "Come along. My sister will be furious if you don't stay the night."

"That is really not necessary..." He began a bit awkwardly, and then sighed at the sardonic look she shot over her shoulder. "Very well, very well. Are you going to feed me as well?"

"She likely has already made dinner. I am not extending hospitality for your sake, Solas, I just don't want her angry with me." Velanna declared, hands hooking in her pack as she started down the steep slope, "It is not because I want you there."

"Noted." He laughed, and followed her back down the mountain.

 

 

 

"What are you supposed to be, somebody's girlfriend?"

Ellie glanced up from the television, gum slowly deflating as she realized there was about a half dozen girls staring at her. Dressed to the nines. She glanced from them, down to her sweatshirt and short shorts, and then back again.  
Silently, she tongued the gum back in her mouth, and turned back to the game.

"Did you know there was a party tonight?" She asked Spence, and then grimaced as he headshotted her, "Hey, come on, I was distracted."

"Yeah, there's a party tonight." Spence muttered, straw hanging out of the corner of his mouth, "Don't make excuses for sucking."

"I asked you a question?" One of the girls said, pointedly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I couldn't exist unless I was someone's girlfriend." Ellie retorted sharply, squinting and trying to keep her focus on the game, "No, dude, we're just playing a game, relax, would you? I'm totally a fraternity brother."

"No, the fraternity brothers actually know how to dress." A familiar voice interjected, just making her grin. "Ellana, you're ruining the ambiance."

"Vic, it was ruined before I got here." She retorted, snickering as Victoria gracefully seated herself at the open end of the couch, "I'll be outta here soon. I gotta study anyways."

"Where the hell have you been? I called you like three times last week." Victoria snapped, drumming a finger against the side of her wine glass, "Hello, Ellie. Networking? Could you at least try to utilize the opportunities you're given?"

"Creators, Vic, if you need a favor, just ask for a f...fucking son of a bitch!" She cursed as Spence shot her in the back of the head again, "I give up. I suck at video games."

"Yep." Spencer agreed, yanking the controller out of her hands, "I gotta go change, nerd."

"See ya, jackass." She replied, and then grimaced as he pushed a hand on top of her head to get to his feet.

"I need a favor." Victoria admitted with a sigh, pulling Ellie's attention back over.

And then her eyes lifted past her, to the mini crowd of girls watching them. Ellie squinted an eye and glanced across them, and then looked back at Vic again.

"They yours?" Ellie asked, and then laughed faintly, "Okay, what do you need."

"Girls, fuck off." Victoria ordered with a flit of her hand, and then turned a more serious look on Ellie, "I need you to get a letter of introduction to Cassandra Pentaghast to pass on to someone she works with."

"Oh come on, Vic!" Ellie complained, voice cracking a little, "Don't do this to me, man."

" _Please_ , Ellie, this is an incredibly huge deal for me!" Victoria said, sounding more like a demand than a plea, unsurprisingly, "There's absolutely no way I'm going to go beg at my dad's feet until he gives me a job I'm probably overqualified for!"

"You need to talk to him, that's sexist bullshit. You're smarter than anyone. Can't your mom kick his ass or something?" Ellie asked, only half trying to wriggle out of it. "If he doesn't start training you to take over, he's a moron."

"Well, he's not going to, so I need to depend on myself. I tried it his way, but I'm done. I'm not selling myself to the highest bidder so they can take over what should be rightfully mine just because they have a dick." Victoria said, jaw set as she lifted her chin, "I need your help, okay?"

"Networking. Yeah, you know me, I'm looking for ins into the corporate lifestyle!" Ellie joked playfully, and then laughed when Victoria sighed, "Okay, okay. Don't get mopey. All I can do is give you an Ellie thumbs up and send it on, okay? What Cass chooses to do with it..."

"Thank you." Victoria replied, relief on her face as she nodded, "Thank you. Everybody else has just been...irritating lately."

"Yeah, well, people are moving on. You know how it goes, everybody's finding a new place for themselves." Ellie replied, trying not to let her mood dip too obviously, "Trying to figure out where they fit in. Forgetting about everyone else."

"Stop moping. You get worse every time someone graduates." Vic accused, the disgust in her voice not fooling Ellie, "We'll go get sushi tomorrow, okay?"

"Is it too much to ask that I just...buy a giant apartment complex and make everyone live in it with me?" Ellie complained, and then sighed when Victoria scoffed, "Okay, okay. But if you're gonna make me go to one of those overpriced pits you like, you're paying."

"Try to wear some clothes that _aren't_ falling apart." Victoria said, and then rose to her feet, smoothing hands down the front of her dress, "It would be nice to not be embarrassed to be seen with you for once."

"Vic, how am I supposed to show off my tittoo unless my boobs are hanging out?" She replied, lifting her voice with every word as Victoria walked away, until she was all but shouting, "Victoria I didn't get a tattoo on my boob just to hide it from the wo~orld!"

She was pretty sure, when Victoria ducked into the kitchen to get away from her, that she was laughing openly.

Score one for Ellie.

 

 

**Seven Years Ago**

 

Dear Ellana,

I've found my way, more or less, southeast along 99. It's a beautiful stretch of road, just like we'd planned to drive along. Yes, I am done with the parks service, the dry season is over, and they no longer needed the assistance. While I enjoyed the work, I am looking forward to not sleeping in my car any longer. Too populated, too full of tourists, even the small hotels on the border were more than I was willing to spend. It is strange to have passed back through the Marches again, but Antiva is kind in the winter.

I have to work under the table, of course, but that is the beauty of living on the road, no one seems to care about such bureaucracy. It is its own society, with its own rules and customs. I have found a position working at a diner just off of the old highway. You would have been amused. When I arrived and asked for work, the owner- a formidable woman- instantly seemed to realize what sort of vagrant I was.

It seems, even in shedding myself entirely and starting over that I cannot help but fall into patterns. I am not the first wandering would-be writer this woman has seen, and I doubt I will be the last. She is amenable to letting me linger too long when I am not working, and has said plainly that when I choose to move on, she will have no objections. I will write you more of her later, when I know her well enough to pin her easily to paper.

I am writing to you tonight from a vast and wild nowhere. I've taken the car out to an abandoned winery about twenty miles off the highway. Only rumors of its existence, but they were sufficient to find it.

No lights here. Just the stars and I.

I spent the afternoon exploring, and I hope you will forgive me if I don't tell you all I found. It seems as of late I am discovering a great many things that feel private, as if my acceptance of solitude as a worthy companion has opened up some part of myself that was greatly in need of it all. This is not a place I would bring you, so I will not tell you where it is.

The man-made taken over by nature has a unique and comforting peace to it, and a building once no doubt some artists' great work has become even more beautiful in its decay. Gilding gone, the stone lay bare to my eyes to show the hand that carefully sculpted eaves and edifice. I have never been more grateful that you opened art to me than I was when I gazed into the face of a statue that must have once stood in a great garden. Her eyes have been blinded white by the elements, body a scaffold for life to reach ever higher, striving for the sky.

I drew her until the quality of light had faded, and then I went for a ramble in the fields. Most of the grape vines are long gone, or returned to their wilder roots. A vine has a lifespan of perhaps a century in which it can reproduce, but their bones have formed the coral for a reef of verdant life. It is a good place to wander, if one does not mind the occasional bear, or snake.

I have found that they do not bother me, if I simply go on my way.

Perhaps that is the theme of my life now. It is freedom, and I am grateful beyond measure to have found it. In that freedom, which walks hand in hand with loneliness, I have finally found myself. I think I will return here, when I find the time. It has welcomed me, and while I do not wish to overstay that welcome, I think there is something here I have yet to learn.

I finished editing the first two years of my letters at last, I have wiped you clean of them. The heartache is still there in bits and pieces, but it was so intrinsic that there is no way to banish it completely. I hope it is enough. I hope it is enough so that one day, if you see my name and pick it up in your hands, reading it will not hurt you. That you will never know it was meant for you.

Arrogance to think I might be published? Well, if you must know, I already have a publisher. Have faith in me. I will make something of this life you have given me yet.

I promise.

 

 

_Shit._

It was the first thought in Ellie's head, when she woke up curled on the corner of an unfamiliar mattress. Not the being here, it was actually neater than her room, which she noticed when the instant surge of panic faded. Pulling up, she rubbed her eyes frantically, and then immediately slipped off of the bed.

Falling asleep was absolutely mortifying, especially when she had to go to work in the morning. Did she have time to make it to her apartment? Because there was no way in hell that she'd be caught dead taking a shower here.

Luckily what's his face was still sound asleep, and her clothes were easy to find. Cursing silently to herself, she dragged them on, finding her purse next to her balled up sweatshirt. Fishing out her phone, she checked the time, relief rising.  
Six in the morning. Enough time to get home and shower.

Ugh, this is what she got for running herself ragged all week. Falling asleep at a random one night stand's house. How freaking awkward. Yanking on her sweatshirt, she dug a hair tie out of the bottom of her purse and scooped her hair up, not bothering to make it neat. There was basically no way to make it neat, the hood would have to do.

Huddling into it, she crossed the floor to the door, taking one last mental inventory to make sure she had all her stuff. Everything except her shoes. Hopefully they were by the door.

Luckily the door wasn't locked, or creaky, opening a crack under her careful touch so she could slide through it. Better not to risk some light coming in, and waking him up. It wasn't that she wanted to ghost him, exactly, but she just didn't want to...talk to him. Or interact with him. You know.

To make sure he didn't get ideas.

Ellie was pretty sure there was a way to make that sound better, but she didn't think she knew how. The door latched shut behind her, leaving her in an apartment plain enough that she could find her way around. A short hallway led past the bathroom, opening up to a kitchen on the left, living room on the right, and the portal to freedom ahead of her. She made a beeline for it.

Gaze fixed on it, she didn't realize she wasn't alone until someone started laughing. Shoulders slumping, she glanced aside, meeting a pair of very amused brown eyes framed by faded Vallaslin. And a sly smile she knew way too well.

"Oh. You live here. That's...cool." She muttered, and then sighed and lifted a hand to her forehead, "Just forget you saw me, Jun, okay?"

"You want some cereal, Elliebean?" He replied, faint Nevarran accent deepening when he laughed, "No? You can't even have a bit of breakfast before your walk of shame?"

"Okay, one? I meant to leave last night. I'm tired, I've got exams soon." She told him, pointing a finger and shaking it, trying not to laugh herself, "And two...keep your voice down. Don't wake him up. Also, three, stop calling me that, jerk."

"How's your mom?" He replied mockingly, as she cursed and wandered over to try and find her shoes, "Still doin' good?

"Are you sure you want to go into therapy? You could do anything you want." She replied, a little bit tartly herself, hiding a grin when he laughed again, "Velanna's going to be a lawyer. The Mahariel girl's going to be a doctor, so is Sala's son. You could make something of yourself like them."

"I was going to med school hell or high water, it's not as if I picked it on a whim for the point scoring." He reminded her, spoon clinking in his bowl, "Don't listen to her, El, you're doing good things."

"Just wait until she finds out I don't have a doctorate in me. Everybody else is getting one, why aren't you?" Ellie replied dryly, shoving her feet into her shoes when she found them at last, "I'll catch you later, okay? Hopefully, you know...way less awkward."

Not that much could _be_ more awkward than this, but Jun was okay. He liked dumb puns, which gave him plus points, but on the negative side, a fondness for giving her stupid nicknames. That part she could live without. That and he was just one more person for mom to hang over her head, ever since she'd found out Ellie wasn't going to embarrass herself by going for a career she'd just fail at.

"Hey, Ellie."

"Yeah?" She asked, glancing over her shoulder, hand on the doorknob.

"You can't stick around?" He asked, thumbing over his shoulder, "Cup of tea or something? Not my place, I know, but...he actually kind of likes you."

Irritation rose, but she knew it wasn't Jun's fault. Rather than snap, she slid her purse up to her shoulder, took a couple deep breaths, and then glanced back at him again, managing an apologetic smile.

"And if I'd known that, I wouldn't have slept with him." Lifting a shoulder, she shrugged, turning back for the door, "Stick to medicine, Jun, not matchmaking."

"Ten four." He said, and then sighed, "I tried to warn him."

"Well, maybe next time he'll listen to you." She muttered, pulling open the door and slipping out into the hall, "Everybody knows I'm a disaster."

A small part of her brain, in the very back, reminded her yet again that she didn't have to be. She was fully aware that was one of the parts she should be listening to, but...

Ellie didn't feel quite like it just yet.

 

 

 

**Six Years Ago**

 

Sweat, rust, ancient grease, and cigarette smoke. It had become, oddly enough, a somewhat comforting smell. At least it was for him, he had a feeling most people wouldn't agree.

"I'm trying to figure out," The musing call came from behind him in a familiar, gravelly voice, "why exactly I show up to give you a ride, after a three hour flight, mind you, and find that the address you've sent me is for a junkyard."

Pulling back from under the rusted hood, Solas glanced over his shoulder at Varric, gesturing him forward before turning back again. It was getting late enough in the day that he might have to give up, it wasn't as if he'd brought a flashlight. Irritating though, but that was the price of dragging an ancient fixer-upper out of someone's yard. Finding parts was near impossible.

"Because this is where I was going to be, of course." He replied, exhaling smoke through his nostrils as he examined the engine compartment of the car. Shaking his head, he continued, "This is still in fairly good shape, I must say. Sadly, it does not appear to be what I am looking for, but I could likely get some money for the parts, depending on what the junkyard charged m..."

"Solas." Varric said flatly, interrupting his train of thought again. "Dinner. Book launch?"

"Ah yes, insufferable cocktail hour." He murmured under his breath, the dwarf's reply not much more than a snort. "My car has broken down again. If I can find the part myself, it will save me a few thousand. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible."

"Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure filthy and shirtless is _not_ the dress code tonight." Varric told him, and then laughed as he absentmindedly wiped his greasy hands on his thighs. "Not really better, Chuckles. And that car is a piece of junk. Just...give up on it already."

"Vintage piece of junk." He reminded Varric, dropping the end of his cigarette and grinding it out with the toe of his shoe. Generally against littering, but difficult to litter in a junkyard. "It has sentimental value, I learned how to bale hay to pay for it, you know. But perhaps you are correct, it may be time for something..."

"That actually runs? Listen, leave me the keys, I'll have someone sell it off for you." Varric said, and then laughed at his noncommittal shrug. "All right, all right. You know I don't care, but I sure hope you brought a change of clothes."

"There is a garment bag hung up on a refrigerator somewhere around here." He said, pushing away from the car at last, reaching into the back pocket of his jeans. "I owe your friend a great debt of gratitude for helping me. Ninety does not enjoy being kenneled."

"Ah, she loves dogs. It's really not a problem. Besides, I owe you for coming along to this with me."

Varric reminded him, and then added dryly as he tugged out the crumpled pack of cigarettes, "No smoking in the rental, Solas."

"I have been meaning to give it up." He admitted, shoving it back in his pocket without complaint, picking up his pace as he caught sight of his shirt fluttering in the breeze like a flag. "It failed to do what it was supposed to do."

"And what was that?" Varric asked, tolerantly amused as he always seemed to be, following along more sedately as Solas stopped to pull his shirt over his head. "Make you look cool?"

"I was once told the pursuit of coolness was, in fact, the least cool endeavor a person could engage in, Varric." He informed the dwarf, who laughed roughly. "It may be, like wisdom, a journey instead of a destination."

"I don't know about that. I mean, I'm cool." Varric informed him as they turned to head back out of the junkyard. "You're strange, Chuckles, which I'm pretty sure can be mistaken for cool, at least."

"The longer we live, the more we realize that we know nothing at all." He sighed, slinging the garment bag over his shoulder, regretfully leaving behind the relatively peaceful junkyard behind. An oasis in the city he was all too uncomfortable with being in.

But still...Varric had for some reason decided they were friends, and he had far too few of those any longer. He could steel himself for one night, at the very least. Tomorrow he could flee the city before the people at the publishing house decided he needed to do an interview or something equally irritating.

The news this morning had said there was an oil spill off the Rivaini coast. A month or so on cleanup would be a worthwhile use of his time. Putting road under his feet again would be welcome. Too many people in this city, too much noise.

A mere five hour drive from home.

Far too close.

 

 

Ellie had gotten into the habit of stopping by the bookstore on the way home while waiting for the bus. A good excuse for a cup of coffee, even if four was sort of late for one. She'd been up late a lot, though, working, and because the damn thin walls seemed to let every hint of sound through and the neighbors were loud. Still, she got plenty of flak for it. Or...was getting, really.

"You can't lie to me, you know. You are the worst liar."

"Babe, just because you can sleep through the marathon orgy and airing of the grievances doesn't mean I can." She replied, wandering up to the head of the line, where the girl was already scribbling on her cup. "I'd be up anyways. Do you want a croissant, Jun?"

"No, Ellie, I don't want a croissant. I'm making dinner!" He sounded so exasperated that she almost felt bad for laughing. "Don't miss your bus again."

"To be fair, that was because I was reading this _really_ bad romance novel. I almost bought it!" She responded, putting her card away and dropping her wallet back into her bag among the books. "It was pretty fuckin' awesome. It had pirate vampires. What's for dinner?"

"I'm performing surgery on a chicken. My repertoire might be limited, but my butchery's ace, hon." He declared with a theatrical flourish, rousing a little grin as she grabbed her coffee with a nod and turned away from the counter.

Turning back into the shop proper, absently blowing across the tiny aperture of the cup's lid, the response she was summoning up died, abruptly. Eyes locked on one of the display tables, she read the front of a smallish, slim book staring back at her three or four times before it penetrated. Before she even realized what she was doing, she was standing in front of it, dropping her cup on the table so quickly that a few drops of hot coffee spilled over her fingers.

Breath caught in her throat, heart thudding, she stared in shock, blinking away tears that abruptly welled up, caught in emotions too sudden and big for her brain to comprehend. Her thumb stroked over the glossy cover, feeling the slight raise of the letters under her skin, following the curves and edges of the name.

 _His name_.

"Ground control to space cadet?"

The voice penetrated, and she blinked twice, thumbing open the book and scanning a page at random. It took less than two sentences before she realized it was in fact him, voice rambling on without bothering to check in with her very occupied brain.

"I...sorry, babe. Sorry. Holy shit, it sounds just like him. I can't...sorry, I just found a book...I guess an old friend of mine is writing now. Wow." She kept her voice light somehow, but her hand was shaking, just a little. "It's gotta be him, that's amazing. Holy fuck, I can't even believe..."

"Wait, wait, wait. You're talking capital H him, aren't you, El? No offense, hon, but you sound a bit smacked in the gob."

"Yeah." She admitted, not bothering to hide it. "Just a bit of a jolt to see his name after four...four and a half years. Will it bug you if I buy it?"

"Course not. Besides, I know you, if you don't buy it, it'll eat you up." He replied, a bit more seriously this time. "I mean, if it's full of love poetry or something I might sulk a bit if you moon over it."

"Nah, I doubt that'd be what he'd write. Cassandra must not have known, she would have said something. That's so weird..." She mused, tucking the book under her arm, and then picking up a second copy for good measure, grabbing her coffee as well. "I just assumed they still talked. I don't know why she wouldn't have...maybe I should call her and ask if something's wrong, do you think?"

"Overthinking, El." Jun pointed out, and then laughed at her exasperated sigh. "Cassandra is just busy right now. Real life stuff. Relax, blueberry. I'll see you at home, yes?"

"Yup." She murmured, and got a 'lath' in response before he hung up.

Silence for a second, as she stared at the book in her hand, wandering towards the counter. Weird how it'd stabbed her, right in a place she had forgotten was there.

"Wow." She murmured under her breath, shaking her head, "You're still out there somewhere, wolfie."

 

_Good._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Four Years Ago**

 

This corner was so familiar that he was beginning to feel uneasy, a constant prickle on the back of his neck.  So little had changed, just the signs on the outsides of shops, old buildings unmoved by the passage of time and the revolving owners.  The city didn't change here, the people molded themselves to fit to it.

Despite dozens of stores having come and gone, Nathaniel's shop still held its place stubbornly, but now it faced down restaurants and bars far more upscale than they had once  been.  The thrift store had been driven out ages ago, much to his regret.  He wondered how much pressure Howe was under to retreat to a less expensive neighborhood.

He was staring contemplatively across the street when his vision was abruptly blocked.  She was here at last, then.

"I quit." Solas reminded the cigarette being shoved in his face, for the fourth or fifth time. "Over a year ago..." The cigarette was withdrawn, and a hand-rolled joint replaced it, which he accepted with a tilt of his head. "That I will take. Thank you."

Asking her where she'd gotten it, being underage and all, would be futile. Sera did as she liked, he'd learned. She'd settled in nicely here in the city after leaving Denerim. He didn't like being back in Kirkwall, but it was only for a little while. He had made a promise.  
Familiar streets made him uncomfortable, however, for many complicated reasons.

"You really want a job?" Sera asked him dubiously rather than greeting him, shoving the cigarette in her own mouth and talking around it as she fumbled out her lighter, "Nate said you're rollin' in it."

An accusation, that, as if he'd been lying to her.

"I would not say that." He temporized, accepting the lighter from her, inhaling deeply as he lit up.

"Why not?" Sera asked bluntly.

"Because it would not be true. I am getting by, but I have no intention of spending any of the 'book money', as you put it." He said after a long exhale, idly watching the bar across the street, "I will likely not stay for long, I am sorry, but I hate wasting time I could be working."

"They don't pay under th'table at my work. Proper...direct deposit an' everything. Bank stuff." She said, and then snickered at the slight twist of his lips, "Yeah, real job, but they pay good."

"I prefer not to start paper trails." He said with a faint sigh, and then shook his head, "I will have to head down to the waterfront."

He should be able to find some day labor there. Certainly people he could contact here, but it still felt wrong. All of this did. Contacting anyone felt too much like making promises he would stay, and he was already thinking of where he would go once he'd left.

He had promised Sera he would come for a time, however, and he would hold himself to it. If he could.

"Bum. C'mon, time t'go." Sera muttered, and then snorted, pushing away from the wall when he stepped away, "Hey you did that stupid article, right? Or they just use your name?"

"The one in the Old Sunday Post? I did." He replied, shrugging at the dour look she gave him, "It was something different."

"I wanted t'punch it in the face. Sounded like you had your head up your arse." She informed him, scowl deepening when he laughed, shoulders slumping, "You think everything's funny."

"Most things are!" He replied, and then chuckled again as she glared at him, "I am only laughing because I agree. It was an interesting exercise."

"Why write it? Never make any friggin' sense." Sera groused, pulling ahead a moment as they approached the shop, "If it's just for the money, just _say_ it's for the money, don't be an a...huh. Nice arse."

"If I called it an exploration of my literary voice, you would rightfully call me..."

He stopped short as he came up behind Sera, staring through the glass windows of the shop as he discovered what she was referring to. Sigrun was standing with her back to them, on a chair, trying to hang a large portrait print on the wall. Partially obscured, he could still see it all too clearly for his taste, the line of a neck bared by her hair twisted up in her fingers, strands tumbled between them. The purpose of the picture, he assumed, was not the artistry of the naked female form, but to display the sinuous art nouveau tattoo spilling over her shoulder and curving down the line of her graceful back.

_Ellana._

The elegance of the work almost even made the butterfly perched on the left cheek of her rear look like something other than ridiculous.  If not for the completion of the tattoo he'd only seen the beginnings of, he would assume the image had been drawn somewhere out of the depths of his mind.

Utterly unfair how beautiful she was, how many memories were there in the simple arch of her neck, the shadowed edge of her waist. Unfair how he could recognize her so easily even now, with years apart and not even a glimpse of her face. Why, then, did he not feel longing or wistful nostalgia at the sight of her, but a strange unease?

He wasn't ready to face her. It could only be that.

That may have had less to do with her, and more with the accumulated memories, and the discomfort that had followed him the moment he stepped foot in the city again. She was simply part of them. Difficult to untangle it all, but he knew by now that he needed to make an attempt.

Which meant he had to get away from the noise and confusion, and clear his head again.

"I believe I need a rain check for tonight." He heard himself saying, already stepping back, tearing his eyes away from the door, "I will have to catch a show next time I am in town."

"Th'fuck!" Sera protested, turning with a scowl, "Y'know how hard it is t'find anyone that'll let me play when I can't even drink?"

Caught, conflicted, he took another step back, meeting Sera's confused, angry eyes. No. She was right, he'd been difficult enough as of late. Swallowing the strange, discomfiting unease, he took a deep breath and shook his head, glancing down at the joint smoldering between his fingers.

"I apologize. You are right." He said, trying to sound less subdued than he was feeling, waiting for the buoying effect of the elfroot to clear his mind, "I will wait outside while you fetch Nathaniel."

"Yeah?" Sera asked, a little less sharply, but still with lingering suspicion that turned to resignation as she turned for the door, "Gonna be gone in the mornin', aren't you."

"I will stay for your show tonight." He promised, because it was all he could without making a liar of himself.

Sera just snorted, slouching her way into the shop, the bell ringing out as she slapped open the door with her hand. He didn't blame her for her annoyance, he hadn't been terribly reliable. Turning his back, he leaned against the wall and fought the urge to look into the shop again.

It was becoming increasingly clear that being lost in his head alone was doing him no favors. He had, of course, considered the idea that continuing on as if he were writing to Ellana was what most would consider unhealthy. He knew it wasn't to her, but a memory of her he had been carrying with him, and he had assumed that being honest with himself about that would make it cathartic, meditative.

Instead, it was beginning to feel as if he might be drowning himself in the past instead of trying to live.

He just wasn't certain he wanted to come up for air.

 

 

 

Jun-

I don't know how to say this.

I guess I shouldn't write it in a letter, but I'm hoping I decide to be brave enough to read it to your face. If I can't be, I hope you understand. I know you won't be, because it's an asshole move, but I hope you can...I don't know. It sucks, it's going to hurt, and I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you but there's literally no way to say this that isn't hurtful. There's no way this doesn't hurt. I'll force myself to read it to your face, because you don't deserve the hurt of me being a coward on top of everything.

I don't want to get married.

This isn't like a statement about life or about you or even about our relationship or anything. I just know that right now, right here, right where I am...I don't want to get married. I don't think I ever really did. I've been looking for something in my life and I thought I had to do it a certain way, but that's not fair to you. You should be with someone who wants to be with you completely, one hundred percent. Someone who wants the things you want.

I do love you, but the closer we get the more I realize that it's not enough. This isn't where I want to go, this isn't the future I want. I don't know when it changed, I just know I woke up this morning and realized it. I can't pretend it's still the same.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to the clan, not now, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to be there all the time. You said you're done with the city after school and I respect that, but I'm not. I'm also done with school, which I know is going to disappoint you, but I got a job offer from the department of social services. I'm staying. There's an opening, for a foster care counselor. I can do a lot of good. This is important to me, so I'm sorry.

I guess this is kind of ironic, after how long it took for you to make me trust that you weren't going to walk out on me. I wish I could say it stuck, but I don't think it did. That part of me's still there, and I need to fix it. By myself. I'm not what you've said you wanted and I tried to be, and I feel like shit that I lied to both of us so long. I wanted to be good for you. I wanted to be the kind of person that could go home, settle down, do things the way they're supposed to be done.

I'm not. I'm just me, and I'm never going to be that person, I think. The kindest thing I guess I can do now is be honest about that.

I'm sorry I couldn't be your family.

\- Ellie

 

 

 

**Three Years Ago**

 

 

Solas had requested this meeting, and so he felt as if he should be the one to say something. It was just difficult to know where to start. It was kind of him to join for a wander, rather than meet in public somewhere. Hard to find places in the city that would accommodate his companion without fusing about the lack of a leash. Ninety was wandering at his side, a slim shadow with her worn out ball clamped firmly in her teeth. He had tried to replace it, and the offending replacement had been thrown out of the window of the car while they were on the highway.

He hadn't tried again.

"I apologize for disturbing you. I realize now that perhaps that it was was untoward." Solas began, carefully, trying to find a way to phrase himself, "To ask for a favor, and yet make no effort at communicating otherwise."

"I was happy to do it." Sebastian replied calmly, voice even and warm, "Marian Hawke, for all of her...numerous flaws, deserved an honest chance to clear her name."

"She is merely a friend of a friend to me. Still."

Awkward, why was this so awkward?

Had he lost the ability entirely to connect to people? Atrophied to uselessness, trapped in an eternal state of observance, letting the world pass him...

"Solas." Sebastian interrupted his thoughts, voice just a little amused, "Brother, you are a thousand miles away."

Instantly, he felt himself relax, giving a chagrined chuckle and nodding his head. Ridiculous, he was being utterly ridiculous. Letting himself get caught up in his own mind didn't help anything.

"No one has called me that in a very long time." He said, watching as Sebastian crouched down, taking the tennis ball hopefully offered to him, "That...ah...that is a trap."

"Is it?" Sebastian asked, and threw it anyways, the misshapen ball bouncing ahead of them on the trail. "No one has seen you in a very long time."

They followed after it, and Ninety pranced sedately along beside them, ignoring the ball's trajectory entirely. He knew that she knew where it was, ears alert, nose turned daintily aside from it, as she pretended the tennis ball didn't exist. Instead, she wandered between them in figure eights, demanding attention from every hand she passed.

He'd never had to bother with a leash for her, except as a show for the public, which she endured with a dramatic sufferance worthy of awards. They'd never needed one, not since the first day he had dragged her, shivering with a broken leg out from under the trailer of an eighteen-wheeler. She'd follow him anywhere.

And she had.

Just...not to fetch a ball.

He realized he had lapsed into silence again, but Sebastian didn't seem to mind, peacefully wandering along beside him.

He wasn't certain what he was going to say, letting the silence stretch on as they followed the bike trail on foot, early morning a welcome thing. It was relatively quiet, and in quiet he could think. Not that the city bothered him so terribly these days, he was accustomed again, but this was exceedingly welcome. Starkhaven was pleasant to visit, but...

"I want to go home." He finally said, breaking the silence abruptly, the words escaping before he knew they were forming, "I...I am weary of doing nothing but traveling. I just do not know where to start."

"Things have changed." Sebastian replied, bending down to pick up the tennis ball again when they approached it, not seeming at all bothered by the dirt despite his pristine suit.

"I believe that will be for the better, in the end." He decided, firmly, "A new beginning, not a continuation."

"There are some bridges you should work on rebuilding first, brother. If you have a mind to do so." Sebastian told him calmly, and then shook his head lightly at the sidelong look, "You disappeared, and cut a lot of people out. We would have liked to hear from you."

"It was a mistake." He acknowledged, trying not to dwell too much on the self-recrimination those words brought up.

He had closed himself off entirely. Necessary for healing or no, it was unkind to his friends. It had been easier to keep moving, keep seeing, and he had left everything behind.  Shedding off the man he had nearly become, he had abandoned many other things in the process. Rebuilding bridges...well, he could certainly make the attempt, at the very least.

No matter how difficult.

"You should call Cassandra." Sebastian suggested.

"I will try." Solas replied, not bothering with any artifice.

Silence again, but he had a feeling it was for his benefit. He had noticed that he had a tenancy to make pauses last somewhat too long now, which could make people uncomfortable. Sebastian didn't seem bothered by it, which was kind of him.

"How are your cousin and her son?" After observing the tennis ball for a moment, Sebastian threw it at Ninety's pleading whine.

Yet again, she did not deign to chase it, leaving them all to follow after it. The lopsided old tennis ball rolled into the brush at the edge of the trail, and Sebastian forged after it without complaint, as Ninety watched him from the safety of the path.

"Morrigan is well, in her fashion. She gives me no information on the family. I doubt it is ignorance." Solas said, obediently reaching down a hand to scratch behind pointed ears as Ninety nudged his thigh. "But I do not ask, and she does not offer. I admit curiosity, however."

"Your eldest cousin has moved out with her husband." Sebastian informed him thoughtfully, heading back up onto the trail, "The youngest has some fame online. Social media following."

Relief at the news that Sylaise and June had left, though of course he had no idea if it meant anything at all. For all he knew they were still fully under the family's thumb. Sylaise, despite her bitterness, wasn't above staying with the status quo.

"And the twins?" He asked, simply because forewarned was forearmed.

"Falon'din has been seeing a therapist, I believe. Which is something." Sebastian said, gazing down at the ball for a few moments, contemplatively, "Probably better that you don't ask how I know that."

Ninety gave another pathetic whine, prodding her nose into Sebastian's hand. Obediently, he threw the ball again, and they wandered after it as Solas fell into contemplative silence.

A bit much to hope that this meant anyone had changed, he knew better than that.

Falon'din's therapist was likely more than earning their fees.

 

 

 

It was snowing outside, which Ellie was happy about. She didn't have to drive in it right now, not this close to both the holiday and her due date, and was able to actually just enjoy it and not worry about the problems it caused. She'd been sitting on the couch watching out the windows when the knock on her door came, enjoying a book and trying to relax. Already knew who it was, this time of night, and tonight of all nights.

Which meant the damn date had gone badly. Again.

And when the door opened, she was hit by the smell of wine, which made her amused annoyance turn into real, snappish irritation. Not just because she couldn't have any herself.

"You're not allowed in my house drunk. You know that." Ellie said, crossing her arms under her chest, chin lifting, "Don't you dare test me, I am a ball of rage and pain right about now."

The man standing in her doorway stared back at her, blankly for a few seconds, and then sighed and unbuttoned his suit jacket. Gesturing to the red wine spilled all across his once-crisp white shirtfront, he lifted his hands afterwards in defeat.

"Did you deserve it?" Ellie asked Falon'din, stepping back from the doorway, trying not to waddle.

Waddling was so awkward, and she'd started it way too early. Being short was the pits. Being short and pregnant was even worse.

"No." He replied, brushing past her, rolling his shoulders to settle his jacket again.

Rather than respond, she just snorted eloquently, and closed the door after him. Telling him to shut it himself always fell on deaf ears, and it wasn't her job to give him etiquette lessons. Hell, none of it was her job, but hey, here she was anyways, doing it.

"All right, so. It went bad." She surmised, locking up and following him into the kitchen. The dishes weren't done and there was a spaghetti sauce splat on the floor, but she was all but looking for a reason to throw him out right now.  
Let him complain or say something rude. Please.

"Fuckin' terrible." He replied, slumping into one of her kitchen chairs, all sullen glowering and sprawling limbs.

"Are you going to talk about it, or are you going to sulk?" She asked, turning to head for the fridge, "You want a drink?"

"Yeah." He retorted, and then amended at the glare she leveled over her shoulder, "Please."

Yanking out a bottle of apple juice, she grabbed a pair of mismatched glasses down from the cabinet. She'd had a panicked moment yesterday when she realized none of her dishes matched, and had nearly gone out and spent two hundred bucks she couldn't afford fixing it. How could she be a mamae with mismatched dishes?

Luckily, it'd passed.

She poured the apple juice, wishing it was still coffee like it had been years ago. She would love some coffee right about now. Going on seven years of this ridiculous farce. She was tired of it, but on the other hand, he'd made so much damn progress that she felt like she couldn't stop now.

At first it'd just been showing up at her old work on campus to threaten her, which hadn't worked, then it was to sit around and badger her about Solas. That had hurt, especially since she hadn't known anything. He'd finally stopped it and disappeared when she completely lost her shit on him, screamed him out of the coffee shop.

Eventually he'd shown back up again, but this time just to complain at her. At the time it'd seemed completely idiotic, and she'd questioned her own sanity and self-preservation instincts, but by now she was used to him. And, to his credit, his manners had gotten a lot better. After throwing him out three or four times, he'd gotten the message. Besides, no one else would listen to him. And if there was one thing Ellie was a sucker for, it was someone trying to do better in their life and struggling at it.

"Okay, so, what went so wrong?" She asked, sliding the juice in front of him, and then slowly sinking down into a seat herself, "You said everything was working out all right."

"I don't know." He replied sullenly, as expected, and then glared at the glass, "What the fuck is this?"

"It's fucking apple juice, you ass." She replied, not bothering to temper her own language, "Don't be a bitch to me. You know I have no chill right now."

After staring at the glass suspiciously for a few seconds, he finally took a sip. And then stared at it again. Ellie knew from experience that laughing at him would just make him clam up, but boy was she tempted.

"I don't know. We were talking, whatever." Falon'din said, voice gradually going more defensive.

Which meant he'd fucked up, and he knew it.

"Talking is good." She agreed, and then lifted her shoulders in a shrug, "On a first date. They tell me that's what you're supposed to do."

"She said she was into chicks." Falon'din said, cutting her off the second she opened her mouth, "I just don't see what the big fuckin' deal is."

Lifting a hand, she pressed it to her forehead, eventually giving a long sigh. No stress, the doctor told her. She had to keep her blood pressure down. But...ugh. This _again._

He really needed to see a therapist that specialized in this shit, but he'd never go.

"Yes, you do, because we talked about that." She pointed out, trying not to snap, "You already knew she was bisexual! Remember? You said you were going to be _respectful_ about it!"

"I didn't call her a lesbo! I just asked if making out with chicks helped her pick up guys." Falon'din replied, scowling at his juice. "It was just a fuckin' question."

_Urge to smack, rising._

"You were doing so good with the texting! What the fuck, dude?" She asked exasperatedly, slapping her hand on the table, "You know you don't go there. You just don't go there. I thought you really liked her."

"She was okay. I guess." Falon'din said with a small shrug, "Too fuckin' sensitive."

Silence for a few seconds, as she watched him stare at the juice, turning the glass in his hands. This self-sabotage shit was getting kind of old, but she knew how rough it was on him. Especially with all the pressure, the stuff on his shoulders right now.

"You didn't have to chase her off. There's nothing wrong with her." She told him, ducking her head as he rolled his eyes and glanced away, "You know that, right? There's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing wrong with her. There's nothing wrong with Anders, or Merrill..."

He scoffed, darkly, but didn't say anything, leaning back in the chair, into a slouch.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Fal." She told him, pointedly, enduring the inevitable noises of disgust and annoyance, "You didn't have to try and out her as a 'fake'. People are bi, that's a real thing. You can't debunk yourself."

Silence, and she lifted her juice and drained it. Rather have water, or tea, but the doctor was on her about how she'd been eating.

"It's bullshit." He finally replied, quietly.

"You'd be a lot happier if you just accepted it." She replied, not really having anything else to say on the matter that they hadn't repeated ad nauseum, "You owe her an apology."

"Yeah. Well."

"Don't fuckin' yeah well me." She snapped, thumping her glass down on the table. "Do it now. You want a cookie?"

"Yes please." He muttered without prompting, pulling out his phone.

She'd have to be satisfied with that progress, because he sure as hell hadn't made any elsewhere tonight.

 

 

 

**Two Years Ago**

 

"Do your worst, I swear. I fucking swear, you can't fucking break me." Ellie snarled viciously, making the woman standing nearby jump back about a half foot, giving her a rather spooked look. "It doesn't hurt! I am _harder_ than this!"

"Ellana, stop shouting, people will think you've lost your marbles." Deshanna ordered from the doorway, and she relaxed back against the hospital bed, letting out a sigh as the worst of the pain faded again.

Worst, but not all of it, her back was aching so bad she was tempted to try and get up and walk again. Not that she wanted to, but if it would ease some of the pain she'd do just about anything. Carefully heaving herself over, hands instantly supporting her as Deshanna crossed the distance, she turned onto her side. It helped a little, even if she knew the nurses would probably encourage her to sit up again.

Ugh, she really didn't want to.

"Maybe I have." She muttered, wrinkling her nose at the reproving pat on her shoulder, "I'm having a baby, I can be fucking grumpy."

"Your mouth has gotten positively filthy, da'len." Deshanna chided quietly, not sounding terribly put out.

"Sorry. Mamae's okay?" She asked faintly, closing her eyes as a cool cloth wiped across her sweaty forehead and down her neck to rest at the nape. "I know, stop worrying about her."

Hard not to think about it, three generations all in the hospital together. One dying, one waiting to be born. But she had to stop thinking about it now, she'd been thinking about it for months and it didn't change a damn thing. Ellie had work to do right now.

"I told her to sleep. You're going to be a while yet, da'len, first times usually take a bit even when you get this far in. When things get quicker, we'll get her to a wheelchair and bring her in." Deshanna replied briskly, and she let out a little sigh of frustration through her nose. "Everything's fine, your sister is video calling your friend Cassandra to let her know things are moving along."

"I can't wait to get back to work." She grumbled deliriously, grateful the weeks of bed rest were finally at an end. Torture, being forced to sit around waiting for this to happen instead of _doing_ something. "Get out here already!"

"Ellana!" Deshanna chided, but she could hear the laughter in her voice. "Don't shout at your daughter."

"I should be allowed to shout at people when they're headbutting their way out of me.." She grumbled, and then reached out blindly as the next contraction started, finding a pair of hands already reaching for hers. "Baby, oh...my baby."

So much struggle to get to this point, her bank account emptied, nerves strained to breaking for ages. But she had her, and she was nearly here, the one thing she'd been waiting for to make her family complete. It wasn't the way most people would do it, and nobody really seemed to understand why she'd done it this way, but it didn't matter. It was right. She'd done things the way she was supposed to for so long, gone to school, gotten a career, been responsible and smart. She'd nearly even gotten married. Followed the path.

No more. Now the world could do things Ellie's way for once.

"Baby, the world wants to meet you." She whispered fiercely, clutching at the hand in hers, teeth gritted against the pain. "A whole world, waiting just for you."

This was what she wanted, what she had always wanted.

A hello in a world of goodbyes.

 

 

 

...You would find it amusing, I think, to realize I have taken up one of the most banal of hobbies. Birdwatching. It is entirely true, and it happened by chance some three years ago. The hobby, amusingly, has clung on stubbornly, though these days I see mostly pigeons. I was staying in an old motel lost somewhere between Ansburg and Wycome, along a stretch of nearly-abandoned highway. The place stayed in business, from what I could tell, for misplaced tourists and those who tired of camping in the nearby national park.

Someone had left behind a book in one of the drawers, in lieu of the ever-present Chant, a dusty old thing with faded pictures. Birds of the Free Marches. Any other time it would have merely been a passing curiosity, but outside my window was a tiny, fierce native who seemed to consider me an interloper in her home.

A small privet hedge beside the battered front door was where she'd made her nest, and three eggs lay there in miniature perfection, a mottled shade that reminded me of coffee with too much milk. How could I deny her the right to defend her home, her children? And yet, if I left the room, it would be too much to expect that she would left in peace as she so rightly deserved. At least I, I thought, could be a respectful neighbor to her.

The first thing I did, as any sensible man would do, was to take up that battered old guidebook and search her out. My small enemy was a wren, a cursory hunt taught me, considered once as a symbol of diligence, kindness, and determination. Two of those qualities I had evidence for, the other would remain to be proven. I had hope, however, that if it were true, she and I might come to some sort of understanding.

It was in those days that I had found myself a rather interesting overnight position at the nearby truck stop, where the massive leviathans of the road came to sleep and tend to the needs of mortal men. Fascinating stories, from those who cared to tell them, and a few of my own gained, as I wrote to you of before. In the hopes of befriending my neighbor, I had began bringing back my early morning dinner to share with her.

At first she would not deign to join me, and merely scolded me vociferously from her privet until I left her crumbs and retreated to my far inferior four walls. There I would peer out through the window and sketch her as she alighted to snatch them up, one bright eye always finding me. Never before has a creature judged me so thoroughly as that wren.

But, in time, that judgment found me to be marginally tolerable.

It took nearly two weeks before she would join me, graciously descending to share my dinner as we enjoyed the sunrises and I rested my aching feet. I cannot recall a morning since those that I have felt more at peace. Food tasting better on an empty stomach, rest feeling better for honest work, and friendship more precious for having been hard won.

I have never been an easy man, but you know that all too well. I would climb a mountain out of stubbornness only to find there had been a tunnel through it all along. And yet...some of the most difficult things in life feel the most precious. The view from the top of a mountain is unparalleled.  
Perhaps I am so stubborn because it is the only way I will truly treasure what gifts I am given.

I think that is an acceptable trade-off.

 

 

 

**One Year Ago**

 

 

Dear Ellana,

I had the dream again.

The others have started to fade, but solitude that deepens as the years pass has made it difficult to fight off them off entirely. I confess, I have not wanted to. I know. Selfish. I tell myself, promise myself that I will not make you into something less- or more than who you were. I will not. I have not, but...

It was the first time that I could imagine what freedom might truly be like.

I have wanted to return there, to that place in the woods, but I doubt I could ever recapture that feeling again. I do not know if I deserve to, with how our lives have worked out. I resented you, after I left. I suppose you would not be surprised by that, but it is unflattering to admit. I resented you with a surprising ferocity in my lowest moments, for a crime that I always knew was mine and not your own.

You never needed me, not the way I needed you. I was suffering under the weight of the burdens built out of family and my own mistakes, and you took it from my shoulders so easily. The moment you forgave me for how I had treated you, I realized then that I had you in my life by your own grace, your own choice. Your love was a gift, mine was born from a deep and hollow place starved for acceptance.

There never was any tether holding you to me but your own affections.

The sorrow of that revelation was never more fierce than it was that night in the woods. The night I knew that when I left, you would not come with me. I was selfish, younger then and so certain that every moment was life or death. I thought that the burning need I felt for you was a cure, a solution. I thought that it was the ideal. What else could we want? It was what the world told us that love should be.

I was dangerously close, then, to putting you on a pedestal so high that I would never take you down from it. If I had stayed, I worry, I nearly cringe to think how much more of my burden I would have expected you to carry. I doubt you would have endured it, you had your own burdens to bear. You deserved someone who could be your equal, your partner, and I was a severely damaged man, one who needed to discover his own self-worth

It does not diminish the beauty of that night to admit its flaws. Rather, it only highlights the exquisite fragility of it, making it more precious in its rare perfection. Fire chasing the edges of your body, burning the images into my mind so profoundly that when I close my eyes even now I see you standing there, night sky overhead, and the wolf himself staring back at you.

I hope you will forgive me for painting you. I have done everything I could to heal, to become the man I should have been all along. I will never be able to purge that image from me, and the youthful, awed sensations of that time that threaten to consume any hope I might have of finding a small place in your life again. Perhaps putting it on canvas at last will help. We shall call it an exorcism, dispelling the ghost of what was.

Hopefully to replace it with what has yet to be.

I worry about you. I have tried, so hard, to make myself nothing but a memory for you, but it has nearly been a decade. Is that enough space for you? I certainly hope so.

I have not felt brave enough to risk the rejection, Ellana, but the time is coming. So much has changed. I have changed. All I want is to hear you tell me that I have done what you told me to do. That I have made our sacrifice into something worthwhile. You told me once that all I ever had to do was try. I have tried.

I have tried, and now I can truly say I have done everything I could. I am at peace with it, with my efforts, my successes and failures. I am at peace with my past, and I am ready to face the future. I am uncertain how to begin, to fold myself back in to living life and not simply observing it, but I recognize that I need to.

It would mean everything to me if you would allow me into your life. Perhaps we could be friends, and I can divorce you at last from the letters I have written to your memory. This is the last one I will write. It has helped me immensely over the years to have someone to write to, even if it has been to a figment of my own imagination, some version of you existing only in my mind. She is gone. Long gone, and I realize the woman you are now is a stranger. I would like to know you again, but it requires that I sacrifice this last piece of you I have clung to. And so, I say thank you, and goodbye at long last. My heart is all the better for having been in your care for a time, even as brief as it was.

I hope that the woman you are now sees enough value in the man I have become to call me your friend one day.

You have your freedom, back to a memory where you belong.

 

 

 

**Four Months Ago**

 

The cheek smushed into the crook of her arm was starting to flush with sleep, pursing Wren's lips into a silly little duck face as she breathed contentedly. Still too soon to move her, if she wasn't completely asleep, the slightest nudge would have her fully awake in seconds and refusing to go back down again. With her uncaught hand, Ellie brushed the hair out of her daughter's face, tucking short strands behind one little pointed ear. It was nice to have someone in the apartment that could sleep peacefully right now.

"Tel'enfenim, da'len, irassal ma ghilas. Ma garas mir renan- ara ma'athlan vhenas..." She continued singing, a low, barely-melodic whisper. Then again, Ellie wasn't exactly the greatest singer at the best of times, but at least the birdy seemed to like it.

The song was old, a memory that made an idiot of her, tears starting to trickle down the side of her nose. She'd cried enough, the last few years, over the exact same thing, but if she thought she'd gotten all of the grief out of the way, she'd been wrong.

Tears weren't new, and they weren't a cause for panic. They just were.

"Ara ma'athlan vhenas..." She whispered, throat too choked for singing any more.

Inhaling sharply, she lifted her hand to wipe away tears before they could drip and risk waking her. About ten minutes, and she could probably get her arm free. She was sniffing quietly when an angled shaft of light cut across the dark room, door cracking open as Mira poked her head in.

"She asleep?" Her sister asked, voice hushed, eyes narrowing a little as Ellie peeked over her shoulder at her. "Aw, El."

"I'll be fine. Just my luck the lullaby she likes is the one mom used to sing us." She declared ruefully in a quiet voice. "Really, I'm okay. Did you order dinner?"

"Yeah. Hey, listen..." Mira started softly, a little awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot in the doorway. "I've got a weird question? Like, actually weird, not us weird, and I'm sorry, but..."

"Spit it out, bug." She ordered wryly, and then sighed and turned back, gently extricating her arm from under Wren. She made a small sleepy noise when rolled onto her side, but luckily didn't rouse as the blanket was tucked behind her.

With a soft creak and crinkle of the mattress, she rose to her feet, wiping her eyes one last time as she turned for the light. Mira stepped back out of the doorway, and she followed her into the living room.

"I was talking to Cass, after the ceremony. And she said she's been talking...to Solas." Mira said, and she bit back the instinctive kneejerk annoyance. "And, I don't know, she said he asked how I was doing, so I thought I could...say hi."

"You're an adult." She replied, well aware it was kind of sharp, though she throttled it back as she closed the bedroom door carefully. "I can't control who you talk to. It was probably just a friendly question, though, I doubt he's got time for the likes of us."

"Why are you so weird about him?" Mira asked, and then scoffed when she sighed heavily and brushed past her towards the kitchen. "Ellie, I'm sorry, but it's getting weird. You know it is."

"I'm sorry it's weird that I don't want to talk to a guy I dated for a couple of months in college. And that it's apparently not weird that my little sister does." She replied in an absent-minded murmur, tired brain rejecting the notion of actually thinking about the accusation. She had way too much to actually worry about right now. "Do you want me to just go down the list of all the people I've ever dated, so you can call them up for a chat? Do you go get tea with Hunter and Nami, or do we ignore the ones I dated in highschool?"

"You're being a dick." Mira accused stubbornly, and then added with a hint of a grin, "And Hunter tried to hit on me at a party, actually. In front of my girlfriend."

"Oh my creators, he still goes to high school parties...why am I not surprised?" She asked herself bemusedly, yanking the stopper out of a bottle of wine and grabbing her coffee mug. A cursory glance showed no liquid in the bottom, so she emptied the quarter bottle into it. "Thirty year old man, chasing eighteen year old girls. That's just sad."

"You're not even going to pour me a glass?"

"No, I'm establishing dominance." Ellie replied mildly, lifting the mug and taking a small sip. "Next I'm gonna sit on you, and eat all the best bits off of your pizza."

"I know where you keep the other bottles." Mira pointed out, ducking around her and heading for the small laundry room off the kitchen.

"Leave the pinot! I'm saving that, it was a present!" Ellie ordered, and then sighed and slumped against the counter. "Bug I don't care if you talk to him, just don't talk to him about me."

"You know what's weird about this, right? You guys share like..ten friends, and ALL of them like...have to actively avoid talking about him to you. That's the weird part, Ellie." Mira retorted, speaking over her wordless protest. "It's true! That's the weird part. Not Cass hanging out with him, not him saying hi to me, but you forcing a whole group of people to pretend he doesn't exist."

"I do...not..." She mumbled reflexively, and then fought to defend herself, "I never asked anyone to do something like that."

"They're doing it to protect you. They've always done it to protect you." Mira replied pointedly, and then sighed as Ellie squinted her eyes shut and scowled. "I know, you didn't ask them to, but...habit, I guess."

"I can't control other people, you can't pin that on me at all." She mumbled irritably, reaching up a hand to rub her forehead. "And it's not _that_ bad."

"Ellie, you have the same tattoo artist, for fuck's sake. And don't you dare tell me this is normal for you, because I know Jun invited you to his wedding and you talk sometimes." Mira pointed out, eyes already waiting for her when Ellie opened them reluctantly. "What the hell is so different about Solas that you can't even deal with talking to him?"

"I don't...actually know. I know the story is that I put him on his path or whatever, but I had no purpose before I met him, and I was on track to _really_ screw up my life. I didn't give a shit." She finally admitted, fiddling with the coffee cup in her hands. "He didn't save me, and I didn't save him, but we gave each other something to grab onto when we needed it, and when it ended...it was traumatic, honestly. I know that sounds dramatic, and it _was_ dramatic, but I shouldn't invalidate my feelings by pretending that makes it less real."

"Was it really that hard?" Mira asked, sounding a bit less forceful.

"It was. Way more than I expected...I think maybe I sabotaged it from the start, I don't know." Ellie said, staring down into the mug, lips tightening. Ridiculous to refuse to talk about it, it was old, long gone. "I kinda always knew it wasn't going to work out. I had...a lot of self-esteem issues, and something to prove. I just never expected to fall in love with him. There was a lot there, bug, two messed up people figuring out what it meant to be themselves in the middle of a big old clusterfuck."

"Boys always leave." Mira declared in a sardonic little mumble, and then shook her head, reaching for the corkscrew as she set the bottle on the counter. "I beat myself up for ages about saying that to you, you know, when I finally found out he'd left."

"Yeah, well...mom had her own issues, we can love her, acknowledge them, but refuse to carry them around ourselves." Ellie declared, and then lifted her shoulders in a little shrug. "Nothing, and no one is perfect. Love's a weed, not a delicate flower, bug. It can grow wherever you give it a chance, that's why you have to be careful with it."

The wine popped open noisily, a few drops spatting on the counter. She was disturbingly good at that. Ellie wasn't sure if she should be worried or not. Well, she was an adult, technically, and a legal one here. So all she could do was hope her little sister was ready to take care of herself. Sober and drunk.

"And sometimes liberal amounts of bullshit helps it grow." Mira replied flatly, and then laughed and lifted the open wine bottle to clink against Ellie's mug when she tilted it.

"Do what you want." Ellie assured at last, finding it wasn't so hard to say now that she stopped trying to hide from it. "The world doesn't revolve around my issues."

"What are you gonna do, if he shows up back up again, Ellie?" Mira asked hesitantly, setting the bottle back down on the counter and picking up her wine glass. "I mean...he's talking to Cass again, and then there's Sebastian..."

"Be weird, probably. Become more of a hermit." Ellie decided, and then gave a faint laugh under her breath as her sister rolled her eyes, their conversation interrupted by the doorbell. "Go get the pizza before he wakes up the baby, please."

"Just because people go, Ellie, doesn't mean they can't come back." Mira told her, voice fading as she disappeared to answer the door.

She wasn't sure what was scarier about that statement.

That it was true, or that it wasn't.

 

 

**Two Months Ago**

 

The day was waning, sun casting narrow shafts of light through a wrought fence, a honeyed glow that washed over an ancient stone street and gilded dingy buildings. Beautiful enough to catch the eye, make the pressure of unaccustomed crowds and noise fade into a soft background thrum, the heartbeat of Kirkwall.

Being back in the city was difficult. He could acknowledge the beauty of it and still realize that. Yet, in that acknowledgment, the realization that he had made himself so distant from this sort of life and his own memories that it had become jarring, unpleasant. The familiar had been something to be avoided for so long that his own instincts were fighting against him.

"I think we need to work on becoming accustomed to living among people again, not merely stopping in for a brief visit." He said mildly, picking up his glass of water again, and chuckling faintly at the whining grumble of response. "Yes, I agree. An unpleasant prospect, but...neither of us are getting any younger."

This time he received a sigh, and the demanding press of a nose to the top of his knee. Glancing under the table, he met dark eyes that closed as he reached down and scratched between her pointed ears. The dog grumbled again, pulling back to shake her head violently until her tags jangled.

He was feeling much the same, the noise made his ears ache, made him feel more alienated, separated, not less. Ten years of being alone with his thoughts had made it difficult enough that he nearly regretted the choices that had brought him back again.

Yet, even with that discomfort, a gentle, quiet longing. Watching people converse, wander the streets hand in hand, wend in and out of small shops and restaurants had brought something back to life inside of him. Seeing Cassandra yesterday for the first time in a very long time had been surprisingly pleasant, even if they didn't quite know how to relate to one another any more. Time would take care of that, simply enough.

He had thought he had made a companion of loneliness, but here among people again it no longer brought him peace. Now nearly every single precious connection he had severed was something he was desperate to repair. At least he had begun. Time would prove if he could, or not, and if nothing else, new ones could be forged.

Not for the first time today, he found himself gazing off into the middle distance, blurs of color and light snapping back into focus when he blinked. The noise rushed back in, but this time it was not so burdensome. Softened by the encroaching evening, it felt almost...bearable. And even if it were not, in less than a week he would have to leave again. He could try to work himself back into the city, bit by bit, until he felt ready at last to settle fully.

To find a home.

"Will it really be so terrible, Ninety? I seem to recall there is a park a few blocks away." Rising to his feet, he tossed the end of his pastry under the table for her, reaching aside for his bag. "We can find a bit of nature to keep us grounded. _Garas_."

Leaving behind payment on the table, he rose, adjusting his bag and tucking both hands into the pockets of his sweater. Without further complaints, Ninety rose and trotted after him, his ever-present shadow.

Together, somewhat reluctantly, they wandered back into civilization.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The diner was quiet in the morning, something Solas valued. The last few months had been unsteady, coming into town and leaving again, lingering a bit longer every time. Difficult to say he was 'home' when he kept leaving it, and had no place yet to call his own. Adamantly he fought the need to rent, however sensible it might be. He wasn't feeling sensible. If he was going to settle at last, he was going to do it properly, in a home of his own.

At least finding familiar places to spend his time was a sort of home. It was pleasant to spend some time with Leliana and her wife, at the very least. They were good company.

A plate, gleaming white in the sunlight streaming in from the window was slid in front of Solas, and an upward glance noted the wedge was slightly bigger than standard. That was kind of Josephine, but he had noticed before that kindness was one quality she did not lack in the least. Politely he closed his computer, slid it aside to tuck against the wall. The work could wait a while.

"I realize that pie is no more unhealthy than a standard breakfast pastry, but it is a bit odd you keep ordering it for breakfast." The brisk Antivan lilt drew his gaze upwards, and she smiled as he met her eyes, head tilting to the side. "Also, I thought that you were going out of town again?"

"Tired of my stories so soon, Josephine?" He asked, and then smiled as she immediately started flustering. "I was only teasing. Tomorrow. I am leaving tomorrow."

"Ah. The days have been running together as of late." She admitted, smiling as he tilted his head. "It has been quite busy."

"Have you considered hiring more help?" He inquired, guessing at her long sigh, "No luck, I take it?"

"It is just quite hard to find reliable people. The girl we had working the evening shift simply...stopped showing up." Josephine declared exasperatedly, throwing up her hands and then stopping midway through the gesture as the front door opened. "Excuse me, won't you, Solas?"

"Of course, go right ahead." He invited absent-mindedly, hiding a smile at a very long, gusty sigh from under the table. "It seems I have to apologize yet again to my better half."

"Just keep her under the table." Josephine ordered, and then shook her head as she paced away, loud enough that he could barely hear her murmur, "I do not know why I agreed to let you have her in here..."

"We may be wearing out our welcome, Ninety." He informed the nose poking out from under the table, resting on his knee. A pair of liquid, dark eyes peered at him out of the darkness, closing as he lowered a hand and scratched the rangy dog between her ears. "Stop being so jealous. You like Josephine."

A grumbling whine was his response, but she stopped sighing, at the very least. Lifting his other hand, he set to eating his breakfast. He was in a contemplative mood this morning, after the events of last night.

Seeing Ellana again had been...so unexpectedly emotional, some of those emotions he wasn't quite willing to admit just yet. She had been right, of course, that it may have just been ten years of accumulated nostalgia confusing things, but he liked to think he could read people fairly well. Some of it was quite obviously defensiveness, walls that he had absolutely no business trying to work around. All he could hope was that they could find a way to get along within the limits she chose.

Leaving tomorrow was for the best right now. He could see her today, in the light of day, without the distraction of her daughter making her close off. Just the two of them, getting to know one another again.

It was selfish, to want her back in his life again. He could admit that, not bother tying it up in some self-righteous nonsense. He wanted her back in his life because it had been ten years, and whatever emotional scars he bore from their brief and life-altering relationship had long since healed. He wanted her back in his life because he was finally at a point in his life where he felt she could be proud of him, and he could be the friend to her he had been incapable of being before.

He had the security of knowing that no matter if their sacrifice had been truly worth it or not, he could stand before her now having accomplished something out of it. That he hadn't only been a coward abandoning the woman he had loved because he couldn't face his own family. It was hard to know if he had fulfilled her demand in truth, but he had tried. He had tried his best, and once a long time ago, she had told him that was what mattered.

'Be incredible.' she'd ordered him, the day he left her, and he had clung to it, especially at the beginning. Months of misery, and then years of wandering that had healed over those open wounds. Her demand had become a goal, something to work for, something to give it all a greater purpose. A journey he had chronicled, written as a testament. A journey to become the man he should have been from the very start. He didn't blame himself for that now, what his family had made him, what had nearly destroyed his chance for a happy life.

Reflection, and some outside help had untangled some of the egregious mess that had been his upbringing. He was at peace with it now, as much as he felt he could be.

Simply being in the same city as them, no matter how big a city it was, was always unnerving despite that peace. He could not be unmoved by the very foundations of the man he was.

It was a reality he was prepared for, something he believed he could handle now.

Of course, speaking of family meant speaking of all of them, including the one pushing through the front door, followed by a small darting figure that found him in seconds and made a beeline for the table. As always happened, once his erstwhile nephew appeared, Ninety's affections abandoned him entirely. They'd bonded quickly, which surprised him. She didn't care for people as a whole, generally, but it seemed children, or at least this one was the exception.

As Kieran climbed up onto the booth next to him, the head left his knee, and poked the six year old in the stomach, letting out a small huff as the boy grabbed her ears with both hands to scratch in affectionate greeting.

"I missed you, Ninety." Kieran informed the dog in his sober, calm voice, before glancing up and aside at him at last. "Can we take her to the park, please?"

"We are having breakfast, Kieran." Morrigan pointed out dryly as she approached the table, letting out a faint sigh. "At least, you and I are. Your uncle, I believe, is yet again defying the system in the most pointless of ways."

"I enjoy pie. Despite all efforts to the contrary, I remain a picky eater." He protested, knowing it was all but pointless. "If it will soothe your feelings, I will have a piece of toast while you eat."

"Tis not my feelings you should be worrying about, but your physique. You _are_ getting older." Morrigan replied tartly, but he could see her hiding a sly smile as she opened the menu. "Although you have managed to get some of the effects of aging out of the way in advance."

"That was low." He accused, smoothing a hand over his head, and she chuckled faintly. "I will walk you both to the shop afterwards, if you like, or Kieran and I can stop by the park. I do have a lunch engagement, however."

"Ninety wants to go to the park." Kieran declared, and then added, "Mother, I need to use the bathroom."

"By all means." Morrigan replied, settling down at the table, "Would you like the pancakes with chocolate chips?"

"Yes!" Kieran confirmed, brightening visibly, "Thank you, mother!"

"You are quite welcome." She replied indulgently, and then watched as he popped to his feet and darted off again.

Reaching down a hand, Solas gently caught Ninety's collar before she could stand and chase after him. She gave a token whining protest, but sat back down immediately at his quiet command. Lifting his gaze, he met Morrigan's as she gazed at him across the table.

"I am surprised they allow your animal in a dining establishment." She said, pointedly.

"The owner is a friend, but I am likely taking advantage of it." He admitted, keeping his voice lowered, "I wished to do some work this morning, and she is unused to being apart from me for long."

"People indulge you too often." Morrigan accused, but more arch than unpleasant, "Your iconoclastic persona seems to have some benefits."

"Unintentional, for the most part." He replied, and then chuckled when she raised both brows, "I did say the most part, Morrigan."

"Well, you did learn to manipulate from an expert." She said, but blocked off his narrowed gaze with her lifted menu.

A small sting, but he could acknowledge some truth in it. He had learned skills in his upbringing that, willing to use or no, could be turned to other purposes. He certainly wasn't going to say 'nobler', as that seemed rather disingenuous.

"Are you done chiding me? I suppose this explains your son's exemplary manners." He teased, rather than rising to her bait, "I would be as well behaved if I had you at my heels."

"He is exceptionally well-behaved, is he not?" Morrigan asked with a brief moment of softness in her voice, glancing up and across to where Kieran disappeared, "I am fortunate, indeed."

"No. You are a good mother." He replied firmly, and was graced with one of her very rare smiles, genuine but guarded.

"And what about you, cousin? Now that you are determined to 'settle down', as they say, what exactly are your plans?" She asked, setting her menu aside, settling back in her seat to stare at him intensely, "I wonder that you have chosen to stop here, after everything. Is there some other purpose behind it?"

He smiled slowly, hiding his private thoughts behind it as he slowly shook his head. Whatever she thought he had planned, it was far from the truth, he would wager.

"It is my home, Morrigan. Not everything is a plot." He told her, and then chuckled, "I promise you I am not interested in swooping in when everything inevitably begins to crumble."

"I hope so, for your sake, Solas." Morrigan said, glancing aside as Kieran crossed the dining room again, moving to join them, "For they are indeed crumbling."

"I know." He said simply.

By unspoken agreement, they turned the conversation to pleasanter things when the boy returned to join them. It wasn't a topic he was terribly interested in, to be quite honest. Being a participant in his estranged family's downfall seemed about as unpleasant as spectating it maliciously. Neither interested him.

Hopefully they felt the same about bothering him.

 

 

 

As always, naps were more of a wish than an actuality for Ellie.

Once she and Wren had said goodbye to Alistair and come home from their jog, Cassandra was already parking at the corner. The three of them walked up together, chatted while Ellie got Wren changed and packed for the zoo. Which meant diapers.

Ellie knew it was time to start the potty training, she'd been mentally preparing since eighteen months, but it always seemed to be 'next weekend' that would be the time to start. They had the books, they had the doll and the plastic potty, they just had to buckle down and get through it.

Probably just about time to bite that bullet, like the big girl bed.

Once they'd gone and the house was quiet, she spent an hour or so on paperwork. When the text from Solas came in at eleven, she'd maybe been checking her phone for a while. Yes, she was nervous, and she kept reassuring herself it was natural. Normal. Nothing to be hard on herself about.

_Keep saying it, maybe you'll believe it._

It would have been nice to have been able to tell Cassandra what she was doing this afternoon. Then she would have had someone to tell her she was being ridiculous when it took her a half hour to figure out what she was going to wear. Casual, but not too casual. Right? Too casual and it would seem like she was completely relaxed and at ease with him, but too formal wasn't good either. It was just...lunch with an old friend. Someone she didn't know any more, someone she had been avoiding for over ten years now. And yeah, she had been avoiding him. Denying it wouldn't make this any bloody easier, no reason to do it.

Finally she'd settled on nice jeans, a t-shirt, and a cardigan instead of the sweatshirt she wanted to wear. And heels. Which she never even wore for work, but reasonably, looking in the mirror, they made her look less casual. And taller.

Both good things.

When she finally felt armed for battle, she grabbed her purse and headed out. The place he'd suggested she'd never been, but neither had he. Neutral territory.

Why did she keep framing this to herself like it was going to be a battle?

Unfortunately, on the way over there, her mind didn't get any more clear about all of it. She drove for once, in case she ended up needing a hasty retreat, and because she'd spent too much time getting ready and was almost late. By the time she found parking he was already there waiting. She saw him through the window, sitting at a table, watching the street. Of course he was. Anyone else would be staring at their phone, but no, not him.

He looked a million miles away.

She made it to the restaurant through sheer momentum, feet taking over while her brain decided to start freaking out. The front door opened and she saw out of the corner of her eye when his attention shifted to her. For a second it made her pause. No, no, she'd decided she was going to do this.  Still, she felt like she'd just downed a whole pot of coffee, and she knew that meant her body was in danger of rebelling and ignoring what she wanted it to do.

Steeling herself, drawing her shoulders back and tightening her jaw, she stormed across the floor. Yanking the chair out, she plopped in it, lips pursed tightly, fighting back her nerves with all of her might.

_Yeah. Not that easy._

Somehow, despite her own brain yelling at her for it, she was back up on her feet the instant her butt hit the chair. Spinning around, she started fleeing just short of an actual run. The litany of cursing going on in her head just got louder the closer she got to the exit, volume rising until it drowned out conscious thought. Reaching for the door, she stopped herself, closed her eyes, and let out a long breath.

What the _fuck_ was she doing?

The shock of the revelation pushed the anxiety back, just a little.  Just enough to breathe again and find some clarity of thought.  Somewhat defeated, she turned around again and returned to the table, shaking her head every step of the way. The chair was still out, and she settled into it, elbows thumping on the table, face falling into her palms.

"Hello, Ellana." Solas finally said, not even bothering to hide his amusement.

"Hi, Solas." She replied, muffled by her hands and rising despair. "I'm being cool and composed, is it working?"

"Perfectly. No one is staring at you." He assured, voice so calm that she almost felt inclined to believe him. "Would you like something to drink?"

Breathing in, she lifted her head and raked her hair back with both hands, straightening up from her slouch and tugging down her sweater. No, this was her brain panicking, not being sensible. She could handle this. Just a couple deep breaths, reign yourself in like an adult. Right. Not too casual, but casual. She just had to find that spot, and maintain it, that was all.

"Yes, thank you. Can we pretend it's before noon, so I can have a coffee?" She asked, flashing a faintly wry smile, avoiding focusing on a few lingeringly curious glances.

"Luckily, I have a poor grasp of time. It seems to be before noon to me." He said, leaning back in his seat as she finally turned her attention back to him.

Again, just like last night, she was struck yet again just how damn good he looked. Comfortable in his skin, relaxed, maybe a few more freckles and some lines at the corners of his eyes. Those eyes were the same, though, that shade of blue she'd been struck by the first time she'd saw him. They were fixed on her, and ignoring her lingering anxiety, she met them for a few seconds, just drinking it in.

"This only has to be uncomfortable if we choose for it to be." He reminded her quietly.

"My default state seems to be uncomfortable." She retorted impishly, and then smiled as he shook his head. "That's what happens when stuff you've been ignoring for a decade comes back to bite you in the ass."

"I will try to restrain myself from doing so." He said, and then smiled subtly at her small, surprised laugh.

The joke helped, thankfully, some of the tension in the air oozing away.

"Walked right into that." She murmured with a shake of her head, bracing her chin with the heel of her hand, forging onward hurriedly in the hope of making things relax, "So, what's in Nevarra?"

"My trip tomorrow?" He asked, continuing when she nodded, "A review I agreed to write for an acquaintance. Nothing terribly exciting, simply a weekend's excursion. I have a longer one awaiting me at the end of the month, to Antiva City. Only a week."

"What happened to coming home?" She teased, ducking her chin as he laughed and glanced aside, avoiding her stare, "Done wandering, wanting to settle down and hide?"

"I still have responsibilities." He said, laughter lingering in his voice, "Nothing is as simple as we would like."

"No, I guess not." She agreed, and then gave a long, slow sigh, "Nothing is."

"I still would like to find somewhere to settle down, unfortunately it will likely be a long process." He said, giving a small shake of his head, "Hotels for a while longer."

She gave a faint 'hmm', lapsing into silence as a waiter brought over Solas' water, giving her a chance to order a coffee herself. The menus were set down between them, but she didn't reach for one herself, gaze caught by his wrist as he extended his hand across the table, cuff of his shirt pulling up.

"You finished it?" She asked, words tumbling out before she could restrain them, excitement rising, "I didn't think you actually would have."

"Of course I did." He replied, setting his water aside.

Before she could react or even realize what he was doing, he reached behind his neck and pulled his henley shirt over his head, dragging it down his arms. Ellie might have been flustered, but there was ink to examine. Besides, he was wearing an undershirt, it wasn't like he'd gone nips out in a restaurant. As she rose from her seat, he rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt up to the shoulder, giving her a clear view of the finished tattoo.

Excitement or no, she did make a point to remember to keep her hands to herself.

"He did such a good job." She sighed, shaking her head as she examined the black design stretching from his shoulder to wrist, the former having been the only part she'd seen before. "Nathaniel does such good work."

"He did have some help from the artist." Solas replied placidly, meeting her wry look with a faint smile, "It is your design."

"No, it's your design." She countered, turning to head back to her seat, uncomfortably aware of how close she'd gotten to him, "It's your fingerprint. I just translated it."

"We can call it a joint effort." He suggested, lifting his glass of water to her.

Settling back in her seat, she averted her eyes as he pulled his shirt back on. Not that Ellie was averse to admiring the male form, especially biceps (and let's be honest, forearms) like that, but she was trying to behave herself. Enough weird emotions without letting her hormones join in the fun and make things even more confused.

Luckily, her coffee arriving gave her an excuse, and she took it gratefully, turning her attention to the menu.

"Funny that you turned out to be the artist, in the end." She finally said, finding what she wanted easily, and setting her menu aside. Unsurprisingly, he was still perusing it.

"I would not call myself an artist." He replied absently, glancing up at her puzzled noise, "If it were not for my writing, no one would pay any attention at all to my painting. There are many more talented artists that languish in obscurity."

"Might be true, or might not, we have no way of knowing." She said, smiling lopsidedly at his dubious 'hmm', "You make art, that's what being an artist is. My medium of choice these days is crayon."

"I have seen some interesting things made with melted crayon." Solas said, and then chuckled at her slight squint, "But I assume that was not what you meant."

"No, not really. Twelve more hours in the day and I sure could do a lot more with myself." She declared, twisting a few strands of hair back behind her ear, chin ducking as she glanced down at the menu again, "But, you know. That's life, isn't it? You never really get to do what you want, you just kind of work around the 'have to's as best you can."

"You, of all people saying that?" He asked, a slightly odd note to his voice. When she glanced up and tried to meet his eyes, she found they were averted, fixed on his menu. "Why don't you just do it, who is going to stop you? Or does it only work on other people, not yourself?"

His voice was too relaxed to take offense to, a hint of quiet teasing that she decided she actually liked. Pretend or not, he was so comfortable that it put her nerves at ease. A hard thing to do lately.

"Ouch, touche." She retorted with self-deprecating humor, and then gave a small sigh through her nose, "Maybe I'm just better at motivational speaking than motivational living."

There was probably more to say, but she wasn't willing to say it, lapsing into silence until he changed the subject.

"There is a public workshop down in East Lowtown, you can rent a few hours at very reasonable prices." Solas told her, finally setting down his menu, reaching for his water again, "I have an acquaintance that does some quite remarkable glass blowing there. They don't do basic tool renting, but they do have grinders, kilns, harder to acquire equipment. They also have live models there from time to time."

"Have you been working on anything besides painting?" She asked, before they both paused to make their orders.

As long as they kept talking, she figured she could stay calm. He hadn't really wanted to talk about himself last night, but she realized pretty quickly that by asking questions, she could keep there from being any awkward silences. He kept trying to turn it around, but it was easy enough to dodge his return questions.

She wasn't dumb enough to think he didn't know exactly what she was doing.

It just...it made her feel more comfortable. That was all. Listening to his voice, figuring him out, not having to try to think of anything to say. Besides, there were a million questions she wanted to ask. A lot of them felt invasive, though, so she tried to focus on the here and now.

He indulged her for a while, while they ate, but eventually her leftovers were packed up, and things were winding down...and she hadn't answered a single one of his questions about herself. She was starting to feel like his patience was running a little thin, but at least it had been long enough that she could escape.

"I'm surprised you're buying now, you know the housing market's not super great." She said, glancing towards the window at the street beyond, "Though I guess if you wanted a condo, that one's pretty oversaturated."

"I would prefer a bit more space than that. I doubt I will have too much trouble." He replied, setting down his empty glass, "I would like some room to grow into. What about yourself? Will Mirana be staying with you, or living on campus? She starts soon, doesn't she?"

"Who knows." She laughed, lifting her shoulders in a little shrug, "I never can tell with that kid. If you were being literal with that room to grow thing, you might have to go out to the suburbs. Not much for yards around here without paying through the nose. You going for a white picket fence?"

"Ellana." He sighed, sounding more amused than exasperated, "Are we conversing or am I being interviewed?"

Okay, well, he'd hit his limit. She supposed she could give, just a little before her tactical retreat.

"Sorry. I'm still kind of nervous." She acknowledged with a small sigh, finally admitting, trying not to let her voice break over the words, "I missed you."

Silence for a few seconds, as she fiddled with the container in front of herself and he watched her. Finally he sighed, drawing her attention up obliquely.

"I missed you as well." He told her simply, when their eyes finally met.

There it went again, just like last night. She thought she'd had it under control, all those stupid memories and emotions that had no place here. They made everything complicated, weird. Confusing. But it was all true, too. She had missed him, horribly, awfully, even beyond all the hormones and drama. Somewhere in there going from enemies to lovers, they'd become friends and never really realized it.

It was just so nice to hear his voice again.

"I think...I think I can handle this." She said, half for his benefit, half for hers, "I was afraid it would be impossible, but I don't think it is. This feels okay, but...that kind of scares me, too."

"It will take time." He replied, returning her small nod with a smile, "Are you willing to try?"

"I am." She said, nodding once, "Definitely. Just...you know, carefully."

"You?" He asked teasingly, making her laugh, "Well, I suppose people do change, don't they?"

"We try, at least." She said, and then sighed slowly, shifting the strap of her purse up her shoulder, "I should probably be getting home, though. I hope you have a safe trip."

"Thank you. May I text you?" He asked, and then chuckled as her lips twisted to the side, "It is all right to say no."

"Yes, you can. I'm being a little silly." She said, shaking her head lightly, "Thank you for being patient with me."

"Thank you for giving me a chance." He replied, and then admitted with a wry smile, "I think I may stay a little longer and work."

It seemed like as good a time as any to get out of there. With a few other casual farewells, she gathered herself up and got the hell out of there. There. That hadn't been so bad, had it? Look at her, dealing with things like an adult. And now she could say she had, and if they ran into each other again through other friends, it wouldn't be weird or anything.

She could feel him watching her as she escaped, but couldn't bring herself to look back for one last wave.

Ellie knew he'd be okay with that.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Monday night, and Ellie was ready for war.

Sunday had been a night of no successes. Bladders held for fifteen minutes on the potty just so Wren could go in her diaper, screaming fits when she was tired and lost her interest in the new 'game'. The internet held no solutions, just a command to keep trying or give up entirely, and stories about moms who were apparently way better at this than her and knew it. Fuck them, seriously. Cass had promised to bring dinner, and the nanny had promised he would keep trying all day. Both would be here before too long.

Getting up from the floor, she wandered over to check and make sure the little tablet was plugged in. Her phone was next to it, perched on top of the solid table she used to hide the outlet, screen lighting up as she approached. She peeked to make sure no one was running late, but it was just Solas.

Well, not _just_ him, but...

Ellie hadn't been doing a very good job of responding to his friendly overtures. By which she meant, of course, she'd been doing a shitty job at it. Not that they weren't talking, they were. He hadn't texted her while he was out of town for a weekend, but when he got back they'd chatted a little. And she'd dodged seeing him in person again, which she could admit to. He'd only invited her out once for coffee, though. Ellie had made an excuse. Now she sort of felt like the ball was sitting in her court, and she was pretending it wasn't.

It was just hard.

Stress on top of stress. Work was stressful at the best of times, and with Mira starting college, and dealing with mom passing, and with all of this piled up on her, she just couldn't manage any more. It was cowardly to keep putting him off, but she needed to cope.

When he'd gone out of town again, this time for a week, she'd started forcing herself to make an effort at conversation now and again. It was easy, honestly, once she got past her own brain. Too easy, and texting made it dangerously simple to open up, unlike face to face.

Once she'd made sure the tablet was plugged in, she grabbed her phone to respond before she psyched herself out of it.

 

 

**Solas**

 

17:32    Where the heck are you? That pic sure doesn't look like Antiva city

_17:33    We ran away for the day, down the coast. I thought I might revisit somewhere I haven't been in some time._

17:33    All the buildings are so bright. Do they have some sort of ordinance that keeps people from painting them more normal colors? :P

_17:36    You know, I believe they likely do. They are more faded than they appear in that photo, but, it is a point of pride, and a tradition. I doubt too many people try to fight the trend._

17:37    I've never been further than the border I think, into Antiva. I keep saying I'll go on vacation but you know how it is.

_17:38    No, not really._

17:38    HA! No I guess you wouldn't. Though a vacation for you might be staying somewhere for more than a week

_17:39    I was in town for a week and a half._

_17:40    But you are right, it was a nice change of pace._

_17:41    My flight is on Thursday, if I remember correctly. I considered driving back, but I would have to spend some time finding a car._

17:43    Couldn't you just rent one?

_17:43    It would be less expensive to buy one outright. Buying one would mean I would be able to fix it up and resell it, possibly even make a small profit._

17:45    Didn't think money was that tight for you

_17:48    It is not, but I intend to keep it that way._

17:50    Wow you really have changed

17:50    I mean I knew it

17:51    I guess it just really hit home again

 

_17:55    Do you have any plans for this weekend?_

17:56    Beyond the usual? IDK why do you ask?

_17:57    You are aware that I do not know what 'the usual' is, yes?_

17:57    I have a two year old. You do the math, Solas.

_17:57    A fair point! There is a live model drawing Saturday evening that I was invited to attend. It would be nice to have someone to go with._

17:58    OH how the tables turn

_17:58    Unlike you, I ask before I pay._

17:59    I'll think about it, best I can do. Sorry gotta see what's going on and we're in the middle of toilet training.

_18:00    Already?_

18:06    She's starting preschool in 3 weeks so I want to try. :/

_18:07    School? Really?_

18:08    3-4 preschool 4-5 kindergarten. She's a new year baby practically so I could wait until next year or try this year. Teacher said she's ready.

_18:09    How do you feel about that?_

18:10    ...terrified :P

_18:11    There is nothing braver than being afraid and doing what must be done regardless._

18:11    And on that note, the boss is home. Enjoy Antiva.

 

 

Setting her phone down on the island, Ellie tried to remember what she'd been in the kitchen for. Wandering and texting tended to make her brain shut down a little. Too many things going on at once. The front door closed while she stared at the cabinets, pursing her lips and letting out a little sigh.

"Welcome home. What was I doing?" She called into the other room, "I walked into the kitchen to do something, and now I can't remember what it is?"

"Laundry." A voice supplied from the other room.

Snapping her fingers, Ellie pushed into the laundry alcove, sighing to herself as she noticed the open, half-empty dryer. She really needed to stop doing that. Switching the loads took no time at all, and she dumped a new one in. A small victory, though a mountain remained waiting to be cleaned. Hitching the basket up on her hip, she passed through the kitchen.

The living room was empty, but she could hear the arguing going on in the bathroom already. Bless him.

"Thank you." She called as she passed by the bathroom, ducking into her room to toss the basket in. When she turned around, Zevran was already leaning against the door frame, arms folded across the front of his coat, "You said no luck today?"

"No potty!" Wren demanded from the bathroom, and she heard the rattle of her kicking her heels against it.

"Then no jelly bean." Zevran told her daughter with completely obvious amusement, and then turned his attention back to Ellie, grinning, "None yet, but I would not worry. She is just being her usual uncompromising self. Once...she decides she is tired of being pestered about it, she will do it."

"I told her, if she doesn't want to compromise, she has to figure out how to manipulate people better." Ellie sighed, taking the half-empty bag of candy from him, tucking them into a pocket of her sweatshirt, "You're a freaking life saver."

"Ah, it is not a problem." Zevran said, pausing at a sullen 'yes jellybean' from the bathroom, "Then yes to the potty, my darling dear." His attention shifted back again, "The twins waited until nearly three. Maybe a bit more time?"

"The twins' mom thinks saying no is abusive. My kid's not free range." She countered, trying not to sound judgmental and failing, "I think this is what the internet tells me is 'differing parenting styles', Zev."

"I am not paid to have an opinion, in fact, one might even say I am paid to not have one, yes?" Zevran told her, wryly, "But I...understand what you mean."

He was diplomatic when he felt like it, she had to give him that. Ellie knew, though, that the twins had the tendency to run him ragged. At least he got well compensated for it. What she could afford to pay him was probably a drop in the bucket, but he never complained, never made a big deal about it. Honestly, no matter what she thought of the twins' mom, the fact that she was cool with nanny sharing made Ellie grateful.

She had no idea how Zevran did it.

Though, after dealing with the twins, Wren probably barely registered on his work load. Ellie was grateful her daughter was so low-maintenance, even with the occasional bout of 'two year oldness'. She'd done her best, and luckily her kiddo was pretty laid back when she screwed up a bit. Which Ellie did. More frequently than she probably should, considering her education, but hey, nobody was perfect.

"I'm sure you've got plans." Ellie said, smiling a little deeper at his nod, "Probably more exciting than mine."

"I am _very_ exciting." Zevran agreed with lazy humor, as they both turned to head back to the living room.

Unsurprisingly, Wren immediately got off the potty, the plasticky scoot across the tile floor noisy. That was fine, they had all night. She managed to stifle her amusement until Wren's bedroom door slammed noisily, and then she laughed exasperatedly.

"Isn't she supposed to wait until she's at least thirteen for that?" Ellie asked, scooting over to her purse to find the check she'd written at lunch. Easier for both of them keeping track where the money went, "Ah, well, she's always been sass-advanced for her age."

"I wonder where she gets it from. It is a mystery." He teased, taking the check from her with two fingers, smirking at her playful glower, "I should go, it is impolite to keep people waiting."

"Have a good time. Be safe, take a cab if you need to, yadda yadda." She said, waving a hand in the air, at his arched brow, she grinned, "I'm practicing my speech."

"It could use some work." He said, opening the front door and then pausing with a faint 'ah' under his breath, glancing over his shoulder.

"What's up? Forget something?"

"Merrill would like to see you this week, she says." Zevran replied, "I told her that you would make an excuse, so I will meet you at Isabela's after you finish work on Thursday evening."

"I...hey!" Ellie protested, finding her words spoken to the door closing in her face as he retreated. Sullenly she glared at the door, muttering under her breath, "I am not that bad."

Except...well, she probably was. If she had a bad day, at least, she knew she could text him and he'd back down.

Thoroughly outmaneuvered, Ellie turned to head for Wren's room, hoping this was one argument she could win. Then again, knowing her daughter, it probably wasn't.

 

When she opened the door, she was not surprised to see it was dinner time. Dinner was practically a nightly occurrence as of late. The make-believe play was good, but Wren was more interested in dictating than interacting. More play dates would probably help, but when was there bloody time? She'd have to figure something out. None of her friends had kids, which meant a plethora of babysitters, but a lack of playmates for the bird. She just wasn't good at making momfriends.  Hopefully school would help where Ellie had failed.

Six stuffed elephants were seated at the plastic table in the middle of Wren's room, each one a different color and state of dishevelment. The biggest, the first one Cassandra had bought her, was holding court at the head of the table, wearing all of the plastic costume jewelry and a police badge. Office Elephant was starting to look in dire need of a round in the washing machine.

"Hey, birdy." She greeted, plopping down in the doorway, folding her legs, "Can we talk about the potty situation here?"

"Mamae you a pwincess." Wren replied placidly, ignoring the question as she wandered over to place a silver glitter-covered crown on Ellie's knee.

She wished she knew where they'd gotten that, it didn't look like something she'd buy. Or want in the house. It was already flaking on her pants.

"Can I be a cowboy princess at least?" Ellie asked hopefully, but obediently took the crown from the small hands that forced it on her when she didn't pick it up quickly enough, "Birdy remember school? When you're at school, you have to use the potty."

Wren dug out the cowboy hat from her toybox and returned with it. It didn't fit, but hey, better than being a princess. Ellie held onto it, keeping it steady as Wren tried to find a way to force the crown on top of the hat. Eventually she gave up, and wandered over to make Officer Elephant wear the crown instead. Poor guy was looking kind of saggy on top of needing a bath. And now glittery.

"When you're at school there's a lot to do. Lots of friends, lots of things to learn..." Ellie obediently put on the apron that was handed to her, tying the too-small thing behind her neck, "And going potty is a lot faster than diapers, so you have more time for fun."

"Diapers is good choice, mamae." Wren countered calmly in a voice Ellie was all too aware was her own 'conflict resolution with the baby' voice, "Mamae make the soup, pweese."

Well, if she was gonna use it, she couldn't be surprised when it got thrown back in her face. As if she needed another reminder that kids were sponges. Saw it all the time at work, for good and for bad.

"Diapers was a good choice, tweetie, but for babies, and you're getting big. Big girls wear pull ups or undies." Ellie said, getting to her knees and awkwardly scooting over to the play kitchen, "What kind of soup?"

"Nanabewy." Wren replied firmly, setting out plastic plates on the table with a clatter.

"Okay, banana berry soup. You got it." Ellie confirmed, picking up the toy ladle and idly rattling it around in the pot, "Do you not like the pull up pants? We can go right to big girl undies."

The idea made her cringe a little, but if it meant getting through this, she could deal with the inevitable accidents and extra cleaning.

"We all done, mamae. Time to eat." Wren replied, yet again ignoring her question.

"Not for us, we need to wait for..." Ellie started, and then glanced over her shoulder as the front door opened, "Auntie Cass is here. Let's feed the herd and then go have our dinner, okay birdy?"

Dropping the subject, she set about to serving up the elephant party of six their banana berry soup and marshmallows. Didn't sound like too bad of a dinner, Ellie thought, but they'd save it for a particularly bad day. Today was better than average, and she wasn't going to waste a good coping mechanism like that.

"Ellana?" She heard Cass call from the other room, "Your phone is vibrating."

"Can you check and see who it is?" Ellie called back, hands full of obediently pouring glasses of 'lemonade' from plastic pitcher to teacups. "We'll be right there."

Silence, but she knew Cass was probably just settling in. If it was important, she'd say something else. The rest of the elephant dinner took very little time to serve up, and then Ellie tucked her cowboy hat back in the toy box. As Wren went bolting out of the bedroom, she took a minute to observe the crib. Yeah. Needed to go. It wasn't doing its job any more, she could scale it in no time flat. A little twinge there, thinking about how big her daughter was getting, but getting attached to things out of sentimentality was stupid in a two bedroom apartment.

Pondering over the thought, she headed out into the hall, passing through the living room as she untied the toy apron still hanging around her neck and tossed it over the back of the couch. Cass was standing in the kitchen at the island, sorting through the containers of takeout as Wren babbled away at her. She'd unbuttoned her suit jacket, but still was wearing her shoes. Looking smart as ever. Ellie was simultaneously envious and pitying. Pitying because it was a lot of work and probably uncomfortable after a long day, envious because she knew she'd never look that good in a suit.

"So Mira's getting in on Monday, this weekend I think I need to go find a bed. That crib really has to go. I'll probably take it apart and drag it to the women's shelter if they want it." Ellie said, wandering over to look for her phone among the bags and her mail, "Ooh, thanks for grabbing that, I forgot."

"It was your sister on the phone. She said she will call you tomorrow." Cassandra said, voice a little odd.

Leaning against the counter, Ellie peeked up at her curiously, tilting her head to the side. It wasn't annoyance, she knew that one pretty well, or worry. If anything, she looked hesitant. Cassandra's eyes slid aside from Ellie's, lips pursing lightly.

"You also have a text message. I did not look." She finally admitted.

For a second Ellie was all the more confused, before understanding dawned. Oh. Right, she hadn't actually said anything about Solas, and Cass was under the impression that Ellie was...still avoiding him. Which she was, sort of. But not all the way.

"Busted." She murmured, and then obediently handed Wren her container down when she asked for it noisily, "Sorry, birdy. C'mon, mamae will push in your chair. I should know better than to keep Wren from her scoochi."

"You should." Cassandra agreed, and then added, "You know that I am going to ask, so if it is not all right, please do tell me."

"It's fine, I don't want to turn it into a case of 'protesting too much'." Ellie declared, opening the container as Wren climbed up onto her chair, pushing it in for her with a hip. "Umh, he texted me? And then came over to say hi. It was weird. Awkward. Uncomfortable. But not life-shattering or horrible."

Opening the container, Ellie stifled a sigh as she scanned the contents. She told Cassandra over and over again that she didn't have to buy Wren the expensive stuff. She was more than happy with cucumber and fried tofu. But no, bird likes crab and shrimp, bird gets crab and shrimp. Ellie had a sneaking suspicion that if she wasn't a butthead at times, Cass would spoil her daughter silly.

"If anybody asks, I give you plates." She told Wren, putting the container in front of her. "We eat off of dishes, like people do. And we don't eat with our fingers."

"Dip, pweese." Wren requested, already reaching for one of the sushi rolls.

"Soon as you say thank you to Aunt Cass for your scoochi." Ellie replied, turning back for the counter as Wren happily sing-songed a 'fank you' from around a mouthful of fried crab and rice.

"You are welcome." Cassandra said, handing Ellie the container of sauce, "But you are talking to Solas. Obviously."

Holding two conversations at once was something they'd perfected, but Ellie took a minute to get Wren settled. Once the little one was contentedly shoving sushi rolls into plum sauce, Ellie poured them both a small glass of wine. She plopped at the table next to Cass, listening to the two talk, and opened her own food at last. Not just yummy, but pretty to look at, too, the tangle of fried squid and slices of raw fish, both on rice and off. Creators bless Cass, if it weren't for her she'd probably be eating a sandwich over the sink tonight with a coffee mug of wine after putting Wren to bed.

_Don't mommy eat, Ellie._

A bad habit she'd gotten into, bolting down her food at a million miles per hour. This was actually good sushi, from the place Cassandra liked rather than the cheap grocery store stuff she'd grab for herself. Better to be conscious of what she was putting in her mouth for once.

"We got lunch. Once. I don't know, Cass..." She mused finally, once Wren fell silent to eat some more, "It's kinda more heavy than I'm comfortable with. You know?"

"No, actually I do not." Cassandra admitted, continuing when Ellie grimaced, "It was strange at first to see Solas, I felt very uncomfortable, but things are much easier now. I am enjoying spending time with him. He is very good company."

"What have you guys been doing?" Ellie asked, finding an opening in the convo and zooming right for it.

"You realize that I am a lawyer, Ellana. I do notice when you avoid my questions." Cassandra pointed out, more sympathetic than sarcastic, "I did say that I would not pry if you said no. But you do not say no, you just attempt to dance around the point."

"I thought poking people's brains apart was _my_ job." She groused, willing enough to concede the point. It was a bad habit, but on the other hand, usually it worked, so...

Cassandra's silence was disapproving as Ellie picked at her food. She took a couple seconds to weigh the pros and cons, and finally gave in to the inevitable. It might make things awkward, or it might fix them. She loved Cass, it wasn't like she purposefully wanted to hide from her, but...when it came to things like this, Cass was an eternal optimist, and she didn't want to get her hopes up.

"It's not him. At all. He's actually being really pleasant like you said and not at all awkward. It's me, Cass." She declared, and then laughed, tongue tripping her up awkwardly as it always did when she tried to open up, "It's not him, it's me. That sounds so cliche, but sometimes it's a cliche for a reason, I guess. Or...or something. I...I, ah..."

"I should not have asked. I apologize." Cassandra said hastily, which was exactly what she didn't want to happen.

Hard to explain it to her friend, hard to ask her to ignore this. It came from a place of concern, she knew that, so she tried not to let it bother her, but from time to time, Cassandra treated her like glass, and it drove her nuts. She had been ever since mom had died. Ellie had to figure out a time to sit down and talk about it, but it was hard when talking about the problem...well, caused the problem.

"I'm not..." She started, and then paused to try again, lifting her hands in placation, "The fact of the matter is, Cass, that even if I could ignore the baggage, it's been almost _four years_ , and this is already a minefield without worrying about that."

"Four? I was under the impression you had not seen him in ten y..." Cassandra began, and then stalled at her significant look and the tip of her head aside as Wren. Ellie waited, while the thoughts slowly percolated around in her head. Understanding dawned on Cassandra's face at last. "Oh."

"So, I mean...on top of baggage, there's some personal stuff, and I don't want things to get weird." She finished, feeling the jitters recede a little.

"So you still find him...attractive?" Cassandra asked, voice turning a bit warmer as Ellie sighed and slapped her forehead with a palm, "Is that necessarily a bad thing?"

Her brain was screaming 'yes', but she knew that would just sound defensive. Which she was, but that didn't mean she couldn't find a way to reason with Cass without outing herself. Sighing, Ellie dragged her hand down her face, and then reached for her drink.

"It's not just attraction, Cass, and the fact that I really need to get...you know. For better or worse, he's been the standard. In more ways than one. I mean, I know that's just because we never had a chance to screw it up, but that sort of idealistic bullshit can really ruin stuff." Ellie told her, and then froze as she realized there was a stare being fixed on her from the head of the table.

_Oops._

"Mamae s'a no no word." Wren told her, very seriously, "S'a bad choice."

"You're right, mamae made a bad choice, and I'm sorry." Ellie replied penitently, as Cassandra hid a chuckle behind her wine glass, "I will try harder not to do it again."

"S'a time out." Wren informed her.

"Ah, no, but nice try. Grown ups don't get time out." Ellie replied, mildly, "Because we like them. Eat your food, sass-bird."

"Mamae's pweese." Wren demanded, which was another side-effect of not eating her food too fast.

And, because Ellie was a sucker, she passed over one of her fried squid pieces for Wren, ignoring the little finger pointing at the raw fish.

"It looks pretty, honey, but you can't have that yet." She informed her daughter, who seemed happy enough dunking the squid in plum sauce and going to town on it, "Mamae's little garbage disposal."

"Ellana!" Cassandra laughed, "You know how she repeats things."

"Which is why we're working on 'things you can say at home' and 'things you can say in public'." Ellie replied, shrugging her shoulders, "Hiding her from language won't fix it. Listen, I'd really like to put this Solas thing..."

Shit, okay, wrong turn of phrase. Hopefully Cassandra wouldn't pick up on...

"To bed?" Cassandra finished, and laughed at her scowl, voice lightening, "Very well, Ellana. I will leave it at that."

She had a sneaking suspicion that she'd just started something that couldn't be stopped, but Cassandra looked happy. She'd been stressed for so long that Ellie was starting to really worry about her, so she couldn't find it in herself to bring her down now. Even if it was sensible. Still...

"No ambushes." She ordered, picking up a piece of the sashimi, one of the few things she could enjoy without toddler interference. Pointing with her chopsticks, she jabbed it in Cass' direction, "I mean it. If Solas and I are gonna be friends, I need to do things at my own pace. You get me?"

"No ambushes." Cassandra agreed, rising to her feet to go and refill her glass of wine, leaving her heels under the table, "Are you still considering finding a bigger apartment?"

Grateful for the change in subject, Ellie latched onto it like a life preserver. They still had a long evening of potty training ahead of them, but as far as stress went, it was really pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. Not everything had to be a big deal, if you didn't let it be.

A little perspective made almost everything easier.

 


End file.
